Following up from the last chapter where I took my first step as Francesca, things in my life started to move forward. I started to create a Facebook account as Francesca because I realised that a lot of local CDs have a social media account. As I am more of a Facebook user, that was the only social media account I had. With a social media account, I was able to connect with other sisters from all over the world online. It was so cool.
Moving on, at around age of 35, still single, I decided to get my own place as my cousin gotten her overseas PR-ship and was deciding to sell her house in Singapore. Somehow, I did not really like that unit, so I did not take over from her. Ended up, I managed to get my own place and finally, a place I can call my own...
Despite that I was moving to a new place where I could be getting my own freedom to dress up and do whatever I want, my guilt conscience started to act up. I started questioning myself why I CD. I blamed myself for having such a fetish of CD. In Mandarin, Crossdressing is also known as 易装癖, which literally means, opposite gender garment fetishism. I got fearful of what I had become as I could be spending my nights surfing through Facebook admiring photos of other Crossdressers. I started questioning myself, did I CD because of my first ex-girlfriend? It was through her that allowed me to expand my pantyhose fetishism to this current stage of transformation... This was when I decided to do a purge, my first purge.
With a heavy heart, I threw away the flight stewardess costume and a few other pieces of costumes and hosiery, items that reminded me of my first ex-gf. Anyway, my size was growing and I was bigger size than my first ex-gf, so those costumes that I got for her were getting too small for me and would not fit anymore, so it was a good decision to throw them away. As I was doing my "clearance", a part of me just stopped me from going all the way. After some deliberation with myself, I decided to keep some items such as my wig, heels, some hosiery and gloves. I had them sealed in a box and thought to myself to deal with them at a later stage at my new house.
Moving house was quite a big affair for the family, so I guess it was a wise decision to have a purge and thin out my collection in case my mother start going through my boxes and advising me to throw away things I do not need. Thank goodness, my years of experience I gained through hiding my stash of hosieries and lingerie for my ex-girlfriends paid off. I was able to get the remaining items into my new house.
I took almost a year's break from CD as I need to slowly unpack my stuff and get on with my house renovation and decoration while juggling with work. So I guess my mind was not really in the right place to CD. Coupled with the fact that I guilt tripped myself, I was trying to stay off from things linked to CD. I took a hiatus from Facebook and deleted my account and tried to stay clean... However, when the house was done up, there was nothing more to touch-up, an idle mind is the devil's workshop. My mind started to wonder, loneliness and quietness of an empty house crept into me... I missed my ex-gfs, I missed having intimate moments and I missed that silky feeling of satin and silk on my skin... That was when I decided to make a comeback to CD...
So, Francesca was back with a vengeance. Now with my own place, I did not have to worry about where to put my items even though my mother would drop by my house for spot check if I did my housework and keeping the house clean (typical mother syndrome). It was then when I began buying more things online since I did a purge. For example, I got more satin opera gloves from eBay, then I continued to buy more feminine clothing from Suddenly Fem. I got myself two nice pencil skirts, both black and white and two satin bodysuits, both black and white again.
With that suppressed feeling unleashed, I did dressing up whenever I feel like since I was staying alone. Up till this instance, I did mainly dressing up to feel pretty and sexy, no breast form or make-up as I want to keep it simple. Simply dress up to enjoy the feel and texture of the silky and smooth feeling of satin or silk over my skin, have a photography taking session (The photos below were taken during one of those sessions) and also to satisfy myself. All my CD photos were taken by myself and stored in a harddisk... I revived my Facebook account and was exposed to other interesting CD website like Fetlife and so on...
As again, things can go into reverse direction when pushed to the extreme... After having so much freedom of crossdress whenever I wanted, my guilt conscience started to act up again. I started to question my rationale and direction in life, considering at my age and still single. I felt answerable to my parents as I am the only male child of my family and I need to continue the lineage...
I gave myself an ultimatum. After much thinking and consideration... I decided to end it all off, once and for all. I did another purge. A final final purge. I threw away all my CD clothing. All the newly bought garments. the body suits, the pencil skirts, all the lingerie, all the half-slips, all the hosiery and heels. I also threw away all those opened and used opera gloves. I cleared off everything except a few totally new unopened satin opera gloves and stored them in a nice secluded spot. I closed and deleted my Facebook and Fetlife account, I delete all my Crossdress photos from my harddisk. My normal self just wanted to get rid of Francesca and the CD life and never to return...
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