My CD Journey (Part 2) - Adolescent Years [The Benny Hill Show]

Decided to finally continue my story from where I left off, with me having my own first few female garments, a half-slip and a pantyhose. This is where I will continue and also talk about my adolescence. 

When I was in secondary school, school ended quite early actually and ECA (it was called Extra Co-curriculum Activities during my time) was usually held on Saturday as school was 5 and a half day week then. So I was usually home before 3pm each day on weekday and I got time on hand, fun time. This was how a normal day in my house was like. My father would be at work until 6 or 7pm each day. My sister was already in her graduating years then, so most of the time, she would stay back in school for her studies and only be back for dinner. My mother would usually take her afternoon from 2:30pm to 4pm or so before waking up to cook dinner. My cousins would usually call around 4:30pm to inform us if they were coming over for dinner. So, I got roughly 1 hour alone. 

During those days, my sister and I shared one room, which was also my study room. We got a guest room where my cousins would stay for their sleepover, as my cousins usually locked that room, it was strictly out-of-bound. My parents slept in the master bedroom that is near the kitchen and is separated by the living room. The way my house is structured is quite interesting. The study room and bedroom are located on the left side of the living room and the master bedroom is on the right side. So you can imagine that if my mother was in her room, she needs to walk through the living room to reach my room, so I will usually try to listen for her footstep to see if my "playtime" was over. The storeroom was located just beside my study room, that was where I hid my CD stash. 😁 

Now that the background is set, it is easier for me to continue my story...  Usually, I would try to go back early from school, do my homework and wait for opportunity to try on my "precious". Opportunity came once a while when my mother took her nap, I was done with my homework and the whole house was quiet... Initially, I would just take the half-slip or the pantyhose out, admire the touch and sensation, and feel the urge and rush. It was an interesting feeling especially when the heart was pumping fast and I felt the flush in my ears. I did not really dare to put it on yet... However, all these came at a break, because the influence of television... All thanks to the influence of late night shows like The Benny Hill Show and also those TV programmes or movies where the actresses or female hosts dressed so femininely. I was really turned on by them and wanted to act like them... (You can see the short video clip of The Benny Hill Show to understand the influence it has on me...)

So one fine day, I decided to try on the half slip and pantyhose together... I took off my shorts and underwear and put on that lovely pair of feminine garments... It was at that moment, I got an experience like never before. My heart was pounding fast and hard, I was totally excited as I admired my dark sheer legs and pretended that my half-slip was my skirt. I feel so feminine and desirable... At that moment, my "you-know-where" got such a reaction and urge like never before. So I lie with my back on my bed and looking down at my half slip and pantyhosed legs... I was enjoying every moment, admiring myself, caressing and touching the silky and satin fabrics... Not knowing what came over me, I turn my body over, and pretend that I was a damsel in distress... I pretended that I was a lady who was kidnapped and my hands tied behind me and my legs bounded by a small thin belt that my cousin had discarded previously. I guess it must be the influence of those television shows showing those scenarios where the lady was captured and bounded. This was when I accidently discovered orgasm... Yes, by accident... 

You see, while I imagined that I was a lady that was captured and tied up. I pretended to struggle free from those binding ropes... That sound and feel of the pantyhose and satin rubbing against each other was so rousing, As I was lying face down, my sensitive part was now squeezed in between my body and the bed... So as I struggled, my groin area was stimulated as it was rubbing on the satin slip and pantyhose, the thought, sound and feel got me more excited... The more I struggled, the more aroused I got... This continued until IT happened suddenly... At first, I thought that my urge was so strong that I peed on my bed... On top of that nice and beautiful feeling that I got comparable to releasing my urine when my bladder was full, I felt confuse, scare and also regret as I had stained the pantyhose and half-slip... So I rushed to wash up the intimate wears by hiding them under my t-shirt, walking past my mother's room, ensure that she was still asleep before proceeding to the kitchen basin to wash the stained portion of both lingerie before smuggling them back to my stash for hiding... This was an experience I can never forget... It was so memorable and nice... My first climax while dressing in such sensual lingerie...

Moving forward, I really craved for this feeling... It felt so intense and good... So sexy and feminine... So whenever opportunities came, I would try to dress up and imagine myself been captured and try it all over again. I thought that it was the only way I could achieve that feeling (of climax)... Usually, I would dress up in my study room with my door locked and try to unlock it before my mother was awake from her nap, this was my usual modus operandi. However, one day, not sure what gotten into me, I decided to wear the half-slip and pantyhose out of my room. Yes, I tried it once out of my study room for a short distance in the living room and it was okay because I know that my mother would still be asleep then. The feeling was so thrilling. Since the first time I tried, everything was okay, I decided to try it again a few more time as I felt so confident that I got it all planned out... This was when disaster strike... Yup, I was caught by my mother one afternoon when I was dressing up and walking into the living room, bumping into her... 

It did not end well... There was scolding after that, really a bad scolding... Maybe that is why I feel so inferior and dare not step out of closet CD? Or just my excuse... Anyway, back to my story... As you guess it, I had to dispose that half-slip and pantyhose away since that unfortunate incident... I do consider this as my first purge.

From that time on, even since I threw away my first and only pantyhose, I would hope to pick up some random pantyhose that flew down from other laundry and keep it. It was still quite a common sight to see some household washing pantyhose and hanging out to dry back in the 80's and 90's... There was once when I saw one black pantyhose that had flew and dropped at the void deck but I was in my school uniform then, so I dare not pick it up...

I guess ever since getting caught by my mother, I got to suppress my urges to CD... Occasionally, I would try to mimic the same scenario on my bed and imagine in my brain but without my feminine wear to get that feeling but it just feel so... different... Not to mention unexciting and unstimulating...

Well, the rest of my adolescent years are quite boring and normal. Just focus on my studies and homework and so on... There was another small episode where I came across my cousin's ankle high stockings and also a white pair of pantyhose that she worn for one of her sister's wedding... But there was nothing major to share about. Maybe I will talk about white pantyhose in subsequent chapter...

This has come to the end of my teenage years of CD. It started on a high but ended with nothing in sight... However, I guess my desire to CD was just suppressed at this stage or still in the infancy... Another way I see it, as I shared previously, this stage is termed as pantyhose or satin fetishism... Looking back at how it all started, it was so memorable. Alrighty, stay tune for my next stage of my CD journey... 

Is it normal for a guy wanting to feel like a girl? (We Were Once All Female)

It has been a long post explaining about the reason why I crossdress. I guess the stigma of crossdressing will always be there regardless of the reasons. Some people view a guy dressing up as a girl as some sort of sexual dysfunction, others see it as the a mean for CD to get sexual gratification or sexual release. At times, others think that the idea of a girl trapped in a guy's body as psychological or mental issue. The way I see it, we are all entitled to how we feel, Crossdresser, Transvestite, Transsexual, Drags, Pre-ops, Post-ops, MtF, those on hormones therapy and so on. 

In fact, I think it is totally okay that a guy wanting to feel like a girl. Well, hear me out first. Do you know that while we are developing in our mothers' womb, we started as female before the DNA change our gender to male? You can get more information from this website, We were Once All Female.

Below is the YouTube explanation of what I just said...

I guess at times, while the Y chromosome can change our physiology from female to male but it may not have totally change the inheritance of the female X chromosome inside some of us... Just saying, some food for thought here...

The Reason why I Crossdress (Story of Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde - A Gentleman and A Lady)

Was thinking of continuing my story of my CD beginning as a 2-part series as it was quite long and memorable. In fact, when I was writing it, I never know that I can write some much. I guess I wanted to preserve as much details and as vividly as possible. However, I think I will tie that with my teenage years while I begin to talk about why I started crossdressing.

The reason why I crossdress actually evolved over the years as I grow and gone through different life experiences. I will share it in details through the different chapters as I continue my blogging. Now, I will roughly emphasize some of the main points here. 

As you have read, my beginning started with more as a curiosity and envying those captivating garments that a lady can wear. I guess it is part of the puberty process that I am more attracted to things related to the opposite gender. In the initial phase, my crossdressing is more of my desire to wear pantyhose and enjoying that silky feeling on my legs and get myself arousal in the process. I was admiring how ladies can dress their legs so beautifully and enjoy that smooth feeling daily. I love this beautiful feeling on my skin, it makes me happy and how I wish I can wear pantyhose every moment. I see this starting phase as more of pantyhose or silk and satin fetishism. I get turn on by the feel of the silky and sheer material and fabric on my skin. It is not real crossdressing but having that desire to put on pantyhose and enjoy that nice feeling. But I guess it is a start...

As I grew, my perception, exposure and understanding grew. I observed that ladies can wear so many various types of apparels and accessories for different occasions. There is work wear, night function wear, sleepwear, different types of clothing for different moment, different types of shoes for different events. But for a guy, it is just the normal shirt and pants, t-shirt and bermuda, the shoes are just track shoes, sports shoes, leather shoes. Just the normal clothing, not a lot of varieties for men. This is when I started to get more interested in other types of clothing that a woman can wear. Seeing that there are more types of outfits a lady can wear, I also want to try on those clothing and look pretty and sexy like them. My urge to crossdress started to grow slowly but I am still fringing with mainly hosiery at this stage.

Maybe at this stage, some may question my sexual orientation. I am very much a guy at heart, I just admire what a lady can dress as she goes about her everyday business, not just pretty dresses or sexy skirts but also what she wears underneath. So many layers of intimate and sensual fabrics to comfort her and make her feel good. I also want to have that feel good feeling too. 

Moving along, as time grew, going through the dating landscape has been a long and arduous journey. More details to be shared in the subsequent chapters. You see, in my life, I was taught how to be a gentleman, how to think like one, behave like one. Ideally, a perfect match suitable for a gentleman must be a lady... But after having to date some girls, I just could not find a flawless fit for my ideal image of a perfect lady. I am looking for a lady who is feminine, who knows how to dress beautifully for me to admire, who knows how to dress for the different occasions and also has the composure and elegance of a lady. This is so hard to find here. So I told myself to forgo the idea of a perfect lady and lower my standard. How does this got to do with why I crossdress? Patience please as I setup the prelude... 

The first time I really tried dressing up completely was after my first complete breakup. It was a very close and long relationship. I crossdressed not because I am sad. I CD because I want to feel how it is to dress up like a woman for once. To dress up sexy and beautiful. You see, I actually bought some costumes for my now first ex-gf. I was planning to throw them away to get rid of the heartache but a thought crept to my mind. Why not try them on myself since I always wanted her to dress up, why not dress myself up... 

This was the result. The rest of the details will be shared later but I guess this was my first real BIG step I took into the world of CrossDressing. At this stage, the reason I crossdress is to understand how it feels like to be like a lady. I crossdress to release my visual image and desire of how an ideal lady is like, to live my perfect model of a true lady that I always have in my mind, someone who is refined and alluring. Sexy but not slutty. Feminine yet sophisticated. This was also the birth of Francesca. The awaking of the lady in me...

Subsequently, good time do not last. I did 2 rounds of purge of all the CD items while I was still in the dating landscape. (OUCH!!!) I thought it is because of my desire to CD that is causing me to be single. So I decided to say farewell to the world of CD and never to return. Long story short, indeed, I found a match later part of my life and is now happily married. I never thought that I will revisit the world of CD again. Unfortunately, the urge for me to CD cannot be suppressed...

I do not think myself as someone who is female trapped in a male body, neither am I gay. I do not think I got a gender confusion, I am not going for hormones or sex change operation. I guess it is the curiosity, the desire for that feminine feel and urge that drive me to pick up crossdressing again. Coupled with the fact that life from all aspects seem to get tougher as we go along. I turn to Crossdressing as a form of comfort and escape. Been a man, having to shoulder so many responsibilities at home and work day-in day-out, I think I am entitled to have a little release and to feel gentle and tender once a while...

It was also during this comeback to CD that I was also exposed to the arena of make-up to complete my Crossdressing journey. I never realised that make-up is such a beautiful and feminine experience. It is like allowing an artist to work on a plain face and turning it into an attractive piece of art. At this stage, I started to appreciate the beauty of Crossdressing and take it as a form of relaxation and like a hobby. I see this stage as the connection of the gentleman and lady inside me, accepting the transformation from one to the other and back again, much like Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde. The transformation is now complete, the gentleman and lady is now one and this is why I Crossdress. 😀

My CD Journey (Part 1) - How it all begin [A Half-slip and A Pantyhose]

I really like visiting Isabelle's blog as it is so well organised and the stories are all in chronological order and easy to follow. That is why I am contemplating between starting with "The Reason Why I crossdress" or "How it all Begin". After much consideration, I decided to start with the very beginning as the readers can slow understand the reason behind why I crossdress. As I aged and move on with my life, the reason for crossdressing changes actually.

For a start, I am a normal straight boy brought up in a normal big family, gone through the golden age of 80's to 90's. Why I say that the 80's to 90's was the golden age? Well, that was the time where I gone through puberty and also the time when ladies in Singapore really dress like ladies. Don't get me wrong, the fashion for female apparel has changed over the years and have become more alluring and sophisticated in the recent times, women are spoiled for choices in their wardrobe and can dressed up beautifully. However, what the women lack in this age is that touch of feminism or lady-like element to complete the looks... Hosiery... This is especially true in Singapore where ladies these days do not fancy pantyhose or stockings. However, back in the 80's and 90's, most working ladies will at least wear a pair of pantyhose for work. I know the subject of hosiery is a big topic so I will either have a separate post to talk about this or incorporate it in my growing up years...

Enough of sidetrack, if you read the previous paragraph, you might have guess how my beginning came about... I read from other forums and other websites how most of the crossdressers started their journey, it is either through an encounter with their mother's lingerie or sister's clothing. For me, it is not any different I assure you. For me, it is a beige or nude coloured half slip and a pair of grey pantyhose... Moving forward to the details, the things I am about to share is a bit more restricted, if you are uncomfortable to carry on, you are more than welcome to take your leave... 

This is how it all begin... As mentioned earlier, around the 80's and 90's was the time when I hit puberty, I became curious about things around me in general and started to take notice of all that is happening. Not sure for those readers who are Singaporeans and around my age can remember this, but for the movies and television shows back then, the female hosts or actresses generally worn some form of hosiery (mostly black or grey in colour) underneath their skirts or dresses; that is quite a turn on for me... However, at that age and time, nobody talks about sexuality education or male hormonal reaction to me, not the educators and definitely not my parents... So when I feel saw those interesting sheer coloured cladded legs, I can feel some sort of intense feelings that I cannot explained... At times, there were also brassieres advertisements from Triumph been shown on television, the excitement just translate to down to "you-know-where". I thought I needed to pee because the urges felt the similar... I did not know that I was aroused...

Anyway, I lived in a big family and a couple of my female cousins would stay over at my place once a while because it is easier for them to get to work. My cousins were of working age at that time so naturally they had to dress appropriately for work; as for me, I was of schooling age and just starting out in secondary school around that time. My first real encounter with something sensual was my cousin's half slip. It all happened when I was taking my shower. I noticed a piece of interesting garment that is beige/nude in colour with floral trimming hanging around the bathroom. As I was curious, I just pick it up and that first feeling was so exhilarating. At that tender age, still not knowing things. I just felt my heart racing and there is a sudden urge. I really love that nice cool, silky and smooth sensation on my hands. As I have not figure out my male reaction and anatomy yet, I just put back the half slip and get on with my shower and dismissed that urge and thought. 

As days goes by, another great encounter, same setup, same scenario but this time round was a grey colour pantyhose that was washed and hung for drying. My nature reaction was to touch it. This enthralling little piece of garment that is so silky, so sheer, revealing yet covering. I wonder what was that!!!  Then I remembered that this looked like those "high socks" that the ladies wear on television!!! I was thrilled!!! I was really fascinated by all the interesting garments that ladies can wear and I really want to put it on... However, even though I desired to wear that pantyhose, my thought told me to put it back. The poor young me was so confused about the reaction, I just suppressed the desire and tried to think nothing of it in the coming days.

One fine day, luck was on my side, I saw that my cousin threw her half slip into the bin. Not sure why she threw it, maybe the elastic band was loose, but fortunately, it was not stained by any of the rubbish. Upon seeing that, an "evil" thought crept across my mind. Since I missed that feeling so much, why not keep it... So I picked up the half slip and hid it under my shirt and shorts, then I stashed it into some of my boxes that I used to keep my old textbooks. I felt so happy, especially that moment when that silky satin half slip touched my skin, my heart just got so excited... Following a few days later, another lucky break. My cousin threw away that grey pantyhose as there was a run on it. So I did the same trick and kept it in my secret stash. The beige half-slip and grey pantyhose became my first 2 official piece of female clothing... This marked the start of my Crossdressing journey... 

Setting the Context (East vs West)

 

Before going on about my story, I feel that the readers need to understand the background and context of where I am writing from. As introduced by both Isabelle and Gin Kim, we are from Singapore where the act of crossdressing is much frown upon. Singapore's population of ethnic Chinese is around 76.2% of the citizen population; the outside world generally view us as a Confucian country with conservative mindset. We live in a country with system and law and everything must be in order. With that in mind, anything out of the norm or does not comply with the general way things are will be viewed as weird, freak, crazy, gila or siao (means crazy in local dialect).

Crossdressing is generally not widely accepted by the society even though LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer or Questioning) community is getting more recognised these days. The views of Crossdressing differ from culture to culture and namely the Eastern world and the Western world. 

Starting from the East, the view of crossdressers in the eyes of a commoner, especially around South East Asia area, can range from someone who is perverted to drag queen to sexual workers. The public object to crossdressing especially when male dress in female clothing. This could be due to the traditional and religious influence around the region. In Thailand, even though it is well-known for their ladyboys and transvestites, crossdressers are more commonly viewed as someone from the sex trade or nightlife. Most of the time, the CDs opt for M-t-F (Male to Female) operation and change to the opposite sex totally and they look more feminine than most women. 

However, strange enough, a much different situation can be found in Japan, which is considered as an Oriental country or Eastern world. Crossdressing is more widely accepted in Tokyo, especially around Shinjuku area. Men of different age group, different background can just dress up as opposite gender and go out and no one will bat an eyelid. No sex change operation, no hormones. A guy can don on a girl's outfit and put on makeup yet it is nothing strange about it. There is even entertainment programme in Japan that invite crossdressers to be on TV.

Now, turning to the West, crossdressing is more forgiving even though it is still not as liberal as in Japan. Celebrities such as Eddie Izzard is a well known comedian who crossdress openly. The Western world are more accommodating to the idea of guys dressing in opposite gender clothing. This can be seen in movies and in real life, there are even studios (Boys will be Girls) that provide Makeup Artist, Photographer and Stylist for guys to turn into girls for a photoshoot.  

On Youtube, I remembered seeing a video of how a Hispanic or French family engage a Makeup Artist, Photographer and Stylist from Fabricio Castro Fotografia and arranged a crossdress party for his 15 years old son whom dress up as Alice in Alice in Wonderland. From here, we can see that Westerners are more open in their views about CD and they respect human rights. Therefore, people are given the liberty for their choices. Crossdressing is more palatable to the general public there.

Now, back to Singapore, the crossdressing scene here is mainly reserved, if not, closet or at times, viewed as perversion... Even though we have a famous drag queen Kumar who crossdress for the stage or entertainment purposes, crossdressing out in the open is never well received. The only crossdressing you will be able to see are those anime or comic conventions where you get photographers who swamp over pretty looking cosplayers (or at times, crossdressers). 

The next event where guys can openly dress up as the opposite sex is for Halloween, which is not really an Asian or Singaporean thing, but these are mainly accepted because it is a marketing strategy by pubs and bars. So we get people who dress up as ghosts or vampires and some crossdressers will use this opportunity to CD out in the open. If anyone else say anything, they may be quick to dismiss this as for Halloween dress up party because you get more weirdly dressed people dressed up as monsters walking around...

At other times, when a guy dress up openly as a girl, people will give their stabbing stares and make criticism such as calling him a bapok (Malay for transsexual) or gay or siao. Police may be activated as Singapore is such a law-abiding state and a complaint city. This can be viewed as a crime of public nuisance... In recent years, there were negative news about how some crossdressers sneak into female's toilet and took lewd photos and videos of girls and this further exacerbate the public opinions about CDs...

Above are my views about the CD cultures from the East and West and locally. I might not have covered it thoroughly, but I believe that it is good to set a background and context for my readers when they continue reading my story. 

Taking the first Step (An Introduction)

(Image taken from https://emilysquotes.com/)

Have been out of blogging for years since the introduction of Facebook and Instagram and other social media platform. Blogging is seen as a thing of the past. Blogspot was so popular back then, I had a normal blog for my normal self (sounded wrong here, not that I am abnormal...) but that blog is like eon years old now...

Alright, back to the main focus and topic. My journey as Francesca. I never thought that I will start a blog to talk about my crossdressing journey. Mainly because I am a closet crossdresser. I might step out someday, I might keep it a secret till my grave. Nobody knows...

My motivation to start this blog was mainly inspired by another crossdresser Isabelle Dreamin (Musings of a Singaporean Crossdresser) who is so brave to bear it out. He (or is it more polite to address as She?) step out as a CrossDress (CD for short) and even told his wife about it. I really admire his courage and decision to do so, and of course, not forgetting his make-up and dress sense. He is definitely a highly passable CD. 

Another source inspiration was from another Singaporean CD Gin Kim whom I accidently stumbled upon when looking for more local, Singaporean Crossdressers much earlier. There were Joy Trish and others CD blogs out there but they are either inactive or sort of disappeared now.

Another reason for keeping this blog is sort of a memory... A part of me, something I want to keep online as another persona. As I age, I am afraid that my memory will start failing. This really makes me sound old but I am already in my mid-life, so a lot of unexpected things might happen. Who knows... I just want to keep all these CD experiences as memories and look back at these episodes and reminisce about it. 

Besides sharing my journey, I will also share my views and opinions and also what I perceived in the world of CD. This blog by no means is a competition with other CD bloggers who are much better than me but more of a connection to other CDs. 

I have taken THE FIRST STEP. Enjoy. 😄