Regrets in Life

This post may not be totally CrossDressing related (maybe just for a short portion), but more of my inner voice wanting to be heard… I was inspired by Isabelle post on “What would you do different you can turning back time” and that really resonated in me greatly. I made a lot of bad and wrong choices in life and how I wish I can turn back time and undo a lot of things. Not sure if any of you are fans of Marvel “What-If” series but I really wonder if there is an alternate universe out there where Francesca is a real woman…

Here are my list of things that I wished that had happened differently, the outcome will be really different…

1. Relationship and Love

I am married but at times, I really questioned my decision if I had made the right choice… On one hand, if my married life is truly happy, maybe Francesca will never have existed. Francesca came into existence because my married life lack passion, emotional and sexual satisfaction… Francesca is someone I wish to be with. She know how to dress up, doll up and be feminine, that is what is lacking in my other half… My wife is a total workaholic and lack the understanding of what men want… I will leave it at that and not air my dirty laundry here or say any further. Before anyone start commenting that we should try communicating with one another, I just use one simple example to illustrate, I told her that I wish that she will dress up in hosiery once a while and she commented that it is hot… Guess you got the gist

On the other hand, I am glad that somehow my wife is not a total control freak and she will not ask a lot if I am out too late but I also cannot go overboard. This laissez-faire attitude allow Francesca to raise up from the ashes after my constant purges. At times, my shipment of CD wares got delivered to my home and my wife just help me to receive them without asking too much. At times, I simply make up some excuses to her that I ordered things for my work use and that got me off the hook.

So, if you ask me, if I were to turn back time, will I want to change this aspect? I think I will rather stay single and have more liberty and time to allow Francesca to manifest herself. Or maybe I will focusing on other aspects of my life such as having so much freedom that I forgot about Francesca, that is highly possible also. 

Of course I also asked myself, what if I had gotten back to my first ex-girlfriend, the one who accepted my hosiery fetish… I am not sure if she will accept Francesca as a whole as who she has become today… Back then, Francesca did not fully exist but more of a manifestation of my hosiery fetish, I believe that my first ex will be really shocked to see the full transformation of Francesca. For that, I will rather say, I chose singlehood. For my readers of my blog, I am not advocating singlehood or choosing divorce. To each their own, I value having the freedom to do things on my own terms and time, so I find that will be the lifestyle that suits me better… Or maybe I just need a better half who can accept Francesca or someone who is Francesca-like and that will take away my desire to CD…  

2. Physical Build and Facial Features

For those who have been following my blog, you will realised that I have been complaining about my big build. I used to be of acceptable male body build, more like average size except my feet, which has been big since young. As I progressed in life, things took a turn and I started to grow horizontally where I really ballooned in size. Luckily I was able to stop that growth and through the use of medication, I was able to curb my eating and my size went back but still above my ideal weight of 75kg (I am around 1.75m tall). This good size lasted for a good couple of years before my weight bounced back again.

I have been using other medication that I can get off the counter and exercise to reduce my weight but to no avail. So, my weight has been yoyoing (going up and down) but in an slowly increasing manner. Now, my body is like 虎背熊腰, 萝卜腿 (Tiger Back, Bear Waist and Radish Legs), so it is really hard to pass off as a CrossDresser. That is why I chose to remain in closet instead of heading out like some of the other CDs…

Besides my physique, I am someone who never really take care of my face and other features. I got slightly tan skin, my face got craters and pox marks due to pimples and chicken pox. In comparison with other CDs, I really pale in terms of features. What is worse is that my face shape is not a typical round or ellipse but I feel my face is like a symmetrical trapezoid with the base heavier. Therefore, it is really hard for my face to pass off as a female…

One of my biggest regrets is that I never really focus on taking care of my body, my face and health. I never really pay much attention and now I am paying a high price or to some extend, unrepairable damages done to my physical aspects that render it quite hard to pass off as a woman when I crossdress. 

I know that there are other CDs who are plus size but somehow, what they lack, there is always something to make up for it. E.g. Some may be plus size but got nice feminine facial features. Others got an acceptable face and a fully passable body aspects. And there are some that have both… If only I had really taken care of my body, watch my diet, do exercise, rest more and sleep early and took care of my face and not be itchy hands to squeeze those pimples, I think Francesca may be more presentable…

3. Purging

I was planning do a long article on this topic but for here, I will just share what I would have done differently if I can rewind back time. Purging is always and will always be the “biggest” enemy of any CrossDressers. Purging can be an impulse and they are always costly. Imagine the amount of money, time and effort you pump into getting those clothing and accessories only to be them ended up in the bin because of that impulse to purge. Don’t get me wrong. If you are have outgrown the need to crossdress and want to give up and never to return. That is a good thing. However, most of the time, we have CDs who have purged only to return months or years later… 

For me, I have purged quite a few times in my CD journey, three times if I recalled correctly. Those are really painful experience and waste of money. Money aside but there are some fashion, clothing design or accessories that are no longer available once you throw them away and not forgetting the emotional attachment to some of these items, e.g. the first satin half slip... Once I throw them away, I also threw away the sentimental value... That is the sad part. I know that with all the ecommerce systems and online shopping are the in thing now but apparel design change with times and there are some designs that I really love, e.g. a bodyshaping slip that I got for my ex-girlfriend but I can no longer find that brand or design or some of those feeling… Of course, in monetary aspects, if I have not purged, I would have save so much money instead of having to restart everything again from zero.

If I could turn back time, I would have stopped my purging and just kept all my stash in a few boxes, seal them up and keep them in the depths of the storeroom whenever that urge to quit CDing hits me. Or I will just get a small storage storeroom and keep my stashes there. If I ever outgrown my CD urges, by then I would have known it. And I can just safely dispose my CD wares away. If I ever give in to Francesca’s calling, I know where to find my stuffs and this can be cost effective and Francsca will have more money to buy other apparels to grow her collection… 

Finally completed this post that I have been working on for quite some time. I understand that this post can sound kind of solemn and heavy as I dwell into topics that we regret about. Now, if it is for you, what are some of things that you will do differently if you can turn back time? Do give it a thought.