Finally decided sit myself down, open up the laptop and start doing reflection as Francesca and to revive my “ICU” or dormant blog.
Sorry to all my blog visitors for not updating it regularly. The last update was like more than 6 months ago and this blog is like dying a slow death with its inactiveness. Francesca is not closing the blog, at least not yet… Not for now, even though there are not many visitors. This blog served as my private little space for me to look back at my CD journey and indeed, nothing much has been happening in that front.
There have been quite a long period of frustration and depression for my alternate self’s front that drained the emotion and mental aspect, and that in turn robbed Francesca’s time and energy to CD and take form.
I will just rant out the list of things that were troubling me.
1. Family planning
As some of you might have read in my previous posts, family planning is on the plate and that should be a happy thing. I am not against the idea of having a child but this path somehow just looked so bleak and stressful.
Raising a child is not an easy task, it will take a lot of time and energy. One good example I can quote is Isabella. After having an additional member in the family, the activity on her blog slowed down tremendously as she hardly got time (and probably energy) to crossdress. As much as my alternate self is worried about having time for Francesca to CD, having a kid has always been my agenda after I got married.
However, having said that, as my wife has issue with pain during sex (probably due to vaginismus) or maybe a psychological issue. We decided to use artificial insemination method (aka collect the sperm in container and use a syringe to inject inside). We had tried it for months and we are not getting anywhere. As time goes by, my desire to have a kid dwindled with time. I started from “must-have kid” to a stage of “it is fine even if we don’t have”. Part of me dragged the process of sperm collection process because it seems so… Mundane and mechanical… I felt the stress inside me building up whenever she is in her fertile period… This really takes a toll in my mental and emotional aspect. To make thing worse, as we grow older, despite that the sex drive may still be functioning, the quality and amount of sperm and semen dropped as we aged. That just exacerbate the whole family planning stuff…
To make things worse, in order to address her fertility issue, there were decisions on certain procedures that have to be made, decisions that will cost lots of money with no guarantee success. Having to think through all those decision making points really create fear and stress in me…
2. Work
Work has never been easy and is always endless, that is why people are paying us to keep us in handling the tough and dirty job. In the work aspect, as COVID became a thing of the past. The amount of work seemed to pile up multi-fold as I have to handle quite a few things all at once. It is really physically and mentally draining as I usually ended up so tired whenever I reached home. There is hardly any energy or motivation left for CD…
3. Harddisk clashed
Just when I thought I had enough handling both work and family front, my personal luck dripped to an all-time low. My harddisk that I used primarily for storage clashed and my years of CD photos and records disappeared just like that… Even though I have my own Network Attached Storage (NAS), I was quite reluctant to store my CD photos and records onto my NAS because the fear of hackers, hacking into my NAS and accessing my private collection of CD photos…
My years of Francesca photos, starting from 2018 to most recently; those headless/faceless photos, to my initial try of CrossDressing, to the stage of knowing how to do makeup, those cosplay collection, my visit to Miss Y Studio, my first CD dress out photos, all gone… I did thought of sending my HDD for data retrieval but it is costly and no guarantee success. On top of that, for someone who fears hackers hacking into my NAS and accessing my crossdressing photos, would I want to hand over my HDD to someone who would have access to my data if the retrieval is successful?
I was caught in a fix… Since it is already a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation. I decided to try to see if I can somehow repair it by myself. I decided to consult Google and Youtube to see if my HDD is repairable. However, as HDD is not like normal mechanical things where I can simply repair, my HDD got damaged in the process by my own accord. I really regretted for not just keeping it aside and maybe with newer technology in the future, I might be able to retrieve my CD photos and videos myself… Really need to kick myself hard on this. Just pure bad luck, bad decision that ended with bad results… With the hard disk clashed, all digital records of Francesca were gone… “Was this a sign for me to quit CD?”, I thought to myself…
And with all those blows, I fell into desperation and depression… Having to deal with all these issues, there was hardly any energy or motivation to CD into Francesca. I feel so tired, so drained, so lifeless, joyless and passionless…
There were instances where I thought of just quitting it all, probably another purge so that I can forgo my lair to save money. But I held back. Every time I thought of my lair as a sinking cost, I tried to tell myself that it is a good investment as purging and restarting CD again is going to cost more money. I really needed a break, a good break from all and to let Francesca out. I need to muster the energy and passion once more, to find the joy in CrossDressing and to enjoy as Francesca once again…
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