Quite a solemn and morbid title... Could not help but to write this topic as I saw on Isabelle's blog that she wrote a post about this. Not that I am copying her but this thought about what will happen to our CD self after our male persona passed on ever crossed my mind, not just once but has been on my mind for quite a while.
I guess I am at that age where I am expecting to attend more wakes from people I know than to attend weddings or baby showers... That is why this question has been lurking in my mind quite some time already. What will happen to Francesca when my male alter self passed on? Likewise, what will happen to your CD persona when your male self departed? Have you ever wonder about that?
I guess it will depend on what spectrum are you on the CD/TS scale (not sure if there is one, maybe I should write an article about this.). If you are a transexual or CD on hormones transiting or already transited to become a female and your family and friends know about this, then I guess it is no secret as all those around you already know this. Since the male self fully transited into the female self, so there is only one entity and the news of that entity passing on will be known by those who know you, either previously as male self or now as a TS/CD self. Quite a open and shut case.
However, for those on the CD spectrum, things could be much trickier... If you are a CD and your closest family member, maybe like your wife (like Isabelle's case) or a friend who you know well and you shared your CD secret with him/her... I guess it is not that straight forward. The question on my mind is, will these close confidants tell others about my CD side after I am gone? Will it spread like wildfire that I got a queer hobby? OR will they help to announce my passing to my group of CD friends? Maybe on Facebook or Instagram? Or will the existence of my CD self be gone with me as I get cremated and my dying wish to them is never to tell another person about my CD self and let me die as a man?
Reading Isabelle's blog really send me deep in my thoughts with lots of questions. Will I want to be dress up as a female after I lay in my coffin? That will certainly shocked those who knows me. Or maybe I should just get those closed caskets and just do the unthinkable, ask the undertaker to dress me up as a beautiful lady while I laid to rest. For this to happen, the closest family member has to help to "oversee" that this is done as per my wish and probably answer to my friends and relatives why I chose a closed casket instead of an open one... Not going to be an easy feat. Or maybe I will just have a couple of favourite photos of my CD self put inside my chest pocket, closest to my heart and let that secret goes together with me to the ashes. And again, for such arrangement, only the closest family member can do it... So, in some sense, letting someone close to you, someone you can trust and accept your CD self can help to see a closure to both the CD and male entities...
How about those closet CD like me? Where no one knows about our CD self except ourselves and also those CD friends on Facebook whom most of who we never really met (maybe except a few whom I met as Francesca). I doubt inactiveness on Francesca's Facebook or Instagram are good indicators that I am (she is) gone as there are times where I soft deleted Francesca's account to avoid having too many friends requests from male admirers or dubious accounts. Or there are days where I just log in to Francesca's Facebook to check how other CDs are doing but never had any activity at all... However, I cannot say so for my male persona account where I am more vocal and active on social media...
So back to Francesca. If my male self bites the dust, how will my group of CD friends know about this? I mean, if I feel that my body is getting fragile progressive over time due to illness. I have time to probably indicate that on my social media account and get my CD friends ready that Francesca is going to close her chapter soon and there are some form of proper closure.
However, what if it is those type of cases where my body condition just plummet so suddenly that I hardly got time to react... Like accident or what... Or situation that will inhibit me from having ability to move. I guess I got tons of things to worry about...
1. My lair
My lair is a rented space where I have to pay my landlord through bank transfer money monthly. While outwardly my wife knows that I have a storage space. She does not know where it is and how I have been managing it. If I ever get into the situation as abovementioned, my landlord may want to contact me due to late payment and I guess by then my wife would have taken over my possessions, she will get to know about my lair and what I have been storing inside...
2. My female stuff
I guess once my wife find out about my lair, she might pretty much figure out about Francesca or at least my male self has been hoarding a lot plus size female clothing, lingerie, pantyhose and shoes, which she will wonder why I am keeping them in my store... Much like Isabelle, I will very much love to donate away my CD stuff upon my passing as I really got a lot in my store that I lost count. Maybe send them to a CD friendly studio like Miss Y Studio or give it to some of my CD friends... However, if I cannot make these give away arrangements due to sudden collapse of my body. I really wonder what will my spouse do about them or what is going in her head when she saw my stash my female stuff...
3. My CD social media accounts
I wonder what will happen to Francesca's social media account like Facebook or Instagram if I hardly got the chance to close the Francesca's chapter behind me. I guess many of my CD friends will just assume that I am again in one of those "black-out" or "laid low" periods where I hardly got time to dress up again... Guess I will not be missed... Likewise for my blog, which always go into cyclic hibernation mood at the start of the year and updated irregularly. I do not think that my readers or visitors will know that I am gone... Unless I blog about it, which really depends if I got the time and chance to bid my farewell... I wonder if my wife will find out about Francesca's social media account and blog? Will it be a good thing or a bad thing if she finds out? I will not know for certain...
Death or passing on has never been an easy topic for me. Like I mentioned, if given ample time and chance to tie up all loose ends before I am gone, I will probably choose to close the chapter for Francesca, bid my farewell to my CD friends and give away all the female stuff and close my lair. I will take nothing to my grave except the beautiful memories of Francesca in my mind and heart. This secret will forever be laid to rest and I am glad that Francesca had her time before and tried out different things, e.g. visit CD studio...
For case of sudden passing, I guess it cannot be helped since I am already dead... I think none of my CD friends will know, maybe except C who will check on me once a while on Facebook messenger... Others might not realised it as my silence on social media is treated as a norm while Francesca slowly fade away from memories of those who know her...
Next, I guess will leave the rest for my wife to find out on her own as she settled my lair... Or maybe I should write it in my will to instruct her... Something for me to ponder about...
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