I have been wanting to write this topic for the longest time. In fact, this was one of the things that was shared during the last CD gathering organised by Miss Y Studio in Melaka around December last year but I have been putting off in completing this post as it is a rather controversial or sensitive topic and I was thinking hard how to approach it. It was shared by one of the participants own personal experience during our “pillow-talk” session. Long story short, the CD sister said that “her” spouse (wife) claimed that she can accept crossdressers but when “she” (that CD sister) came clean about “her” CD tendency. The spouse just cannot take it and decided to file for a divorce. As much as this is rather a sad case, the silver lining is that that CD sister found a much more carefree life to live out her CD dream and live like a woman. This really got my admiration…
Anyway, back to the main topic. We all might have friends, be it a guy or lady, or someone close, like your spouse, family members, who claimed that they are non-judgemental and are accepting towards crossdressers, transvestites or even gays/lesbians or LGBTQ+ at large, even though they are not themselves. However when someone close to them (like us) come clean that we are one in that list, the treatment seems to be somewhat different… Not everyone is as lucky as Isabelle, whose wife accepted her CrossDressing nature. In fact, she is on HRT drugs regime now with her wife approval. I really admired her and also applauded the wife for supporting this decision as it is definitely not easy for anyone.
Why is it that most(???) of our spouses (women, sorry for the generalisation), even though claimed that they are not judgemental and are accepting towards CrossDressers but when we come clean, the outcome never ends good for anyone. Based on my interaction with other CDs, I know of at least three cases whereby the spouses found out about their husbands’ CD habits, either by coming clean or by accidental discovery. The outcome was a disaster. That is why I am keeping Francesca under wrapped and never coming out clean. Remember that one article I wrote about, “would you rather admit that you are a crossdresser or having an affair if been caught?” I would rather admit to having an affair than to say that I am a crossdresser…
The question in my mind or in my case is… why is it that (most???) women claimed to be able to accept CrossDressers but when we (someone close, or as a husband) said that we are one, their attitude just did a 180 degrees change? This thought has been on my mind for quite some time as I do have the impulses to come clean about the presence of Francesca to my wife especially when I had a good CD session at Miss Y Studio… I guess from the viewpoint of a woman, anything outside their sphere of life, they can pretty much accept as it does not impact their lives. Based on the sphere of life, with family been the closest, friends are next level and so on and so forth. When we, as someone closest in their sphere of life, said that we are crossdressers, this will definitely trigger the women’s alarm for a fight or flight response. Some questions in their head could be, “Why does my hubby crossdress?”, “Is this why my hubby no longer touch me like he used to do?” or “Am I no longer attractive to him?” and so on. The questions of why a man likes the act of crossdressing will start crossing her mind. Some thoughts could be, is the passion in the marriage dying, is the love that brought this relationship together initially coming to an end. This thought of denial and self-blame in the women might lead to her anger and disappointment.
From the perception that women looked for comfort and also masculinity in men to provide for her and her offsprings, and as someone who can care for and protect the family. That sudden shift in the position of been a man of the house to been another pretty face or someone with femininity could be quite confusing for the women’s mind to process as they might need to think back, “Was this still the same man that I chose to marry?”. Some women linked the act of crossdressing to sexual activity with another men or love for other men, which can lead to her thinking if her husband has turn gay, or he is having an affair outside with other men. Thus that initial self-blame shifted to blaming others, namely their husbands for causing this hurt and betrayal, the betrayal to that wedding vow… resentment and disenchantment for the husband deepened.
I mean, all these are purely my perception or speculation as I do not have any hard evidence or sample to support my theory. I just try to put myself in the position of my wife and think of the possible reactions and thoughts that cross my mind. However, each of us are different and the reason why they cannot accept their husband’s CrossDressing nature will also differ.
I do hear of cases where the spouses are indifferent to their husband’s CrossDressing tendencies. They are neither accepting nor rejecting. However, the bottom line is, never crossdress in front of them or any other family members. For some women, they forbid any crossdressing activities in the house and most of all, no hanky-panky with other men, I guess that is the ultimatum. The level of acceptance can differs. Some women just chose to turn a blind eye for the sake of marriage or the family and not react too greatly to it. Some cannot even tolerate the thought that their husbands love to dress up and crossdress and chose the path of separation. In fact, for the three CrossDressers sisters cases I shared above, they were quite hurt throughout this process as they thought that love and understanding between married couples could overcome everything, like the saying goes, “If you love me, you must be able to accept everything about me…” But this was not the case, in which, they also feel betrayed by their spouses…
As much as all these were written from the viewpoint of a husband relating to what could be the reasons why their spouse are unaccepting them for been a crossdresser. The perspective can likewise be applied to a son relating to his parents and so on. So, what are your thoughts? Do you have views or perspective to share? How do you think we can let those closest to us accept us and our queer nature? Have some thoughts about that. Cheers.
(PS : I do apologise to all the women for the generalisation here as not all are unaccepting towards crossdressers, I was just making a presumption.)
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