I have been planning and working on this post for quite a while, maybe some time in October when I conceptualised the idea of writing this topic about purging but things just cropped up and I left the half completed post hanging there. Finally find the time to complete it.
Purging has been one of the banes for crossdressers. I believe somehow, all crossdressers will have at least one episode of purging through their entire CD journey. May it be force by circumstances or self-initiated, we bound to encounter it. By definition, to purge is to rid (someone or something) of an unwanted quality, condition, or feeling. So, purging in crossdressing term is basically the act of getting rid of all your female clothing, accessories, and paraphernalia.
What causes purge?
Well, I am not a certified doctor or psychologist to give a medical explanation but I will share my experience as someone who has undergone purging and reflect on it.
1. Forced purging
This type of purging as the name suggested, it was forced or imposed by others, from an external party or circumstances. The most common groups of CDs who undergone this type of purging are usually those who just started out CrossDressing and was caught by parents (especially mothers). The feeling of embarrassment, shame and guilt, followed by scolding and ticking from parents where they forced you to purge, whether you like it or not. There is no recourse, no room for negotiation.
Or for married CDs, having been caught in the act of CDing by your wife and after some tense and nerve wrecking talks, and you promised to kick away the hobby of CrossDressing and you were forced to destroy your whole CD collection… But this is seldom the case.
Or moving of house / spring cleaning, for this situation, it is more for those CDs who do not have a proper space to keep your CD stuff. Especially for younger CDs who are staying with parents, the word “moving house” or “spring cleaning” can be quite stressful because your secret CD stash that is either hiding behind your bunch of army / reservist items or on top in that hard-to-reach cabinet may be exposed and you are not able to find a safe place to hide your CD wares. This is especially scary when you have a mother who will want to do a thorough clean-up of all your items, going through item by item, cabinet by cabinet, to decide what to keep or what to throw. In this situation, you were forced to take the plunge and purge… (I was in this situation when I first started out…)
2. Self-initiated purging
Self-initiated purging can occur more commonly than we thought. It is especially true for those CDs who just begin on this journey and not sure what they want. The most common reasons for self-initiated purging could be due to embarrassment, guilt and shame generated due to religion or faith pressure, questioning of self-sexual orientation or inclination, social circle influence, peer pressure. The list can go on and on.
For CDs who venture onto this path by accidental encounter with women’s lingerie such as pantyhose or brasseries, that feeling of just touching lingerie gave us sexual arousal when we first started. However, as time goes on, that curiosity developed into wearing and acting feminine at this stage. Then you begin questioning if you got something wrong in your head or with your sexuality. Shame and guilt kick in as your male brain, your guy persona or social circles of friends tells you that a guy should not be interested or be wearing female clothing. To rid that feeling of embarrassment, self-guilt and shame, you destroyed the source of this “evil” by purging. This is very common.
For some, their view of crossdressing tend to be associated with gay or homosexual or ah guan (transvestite) and this goes against their core of their religion and faith. For them, after CDing, they felt really guilty as they view themselves drifting away from the core belief and practice of their faith. After some internal struggle, mentality and spiritually, they give in to their shame and guilt, then purging happens.
For some others, when they reached a certain milestone in their lives where they began to self-doubt and see themselves inferior when compared to their peers who are married and having kids or quite successful in their lives. The CDs themselves, they may be still single, or maybe dating or married but their relationships with the other half are not having much progress in their lives. They may reflect and feel that their CD addiction is holding them back in life and decided to purge and hoping to start afresh and putting the crossdressing episode behind them.
For others, as they grew busy with their lives’ hustle and bustle, they feel that they got no time to CDs and thought that they possibly outgrow the need for it and then they start purging. However, when they slow down their pace or when they got more time on hand, that feeling to binge buy CD stuff hits them real hard, only to buy them and use for a while then again busyness and guilt sets in, and the whole purging and binging cycles just start all over again.
Purging is an impulse, driven by fear, shame, guilt and self-doubt and in order to address this psychological compulsion, we tend to act by removing the things that are causing us this discomfort in the first place. By purging, that can help to get rid of that negative feeling that is plaguing the mind and emotion.
We know that after purging, there is a sudden sense of relief as the source of shame and guilt are all out to the window and into the bin. However, a lot of CDs know that this relief is short lived as the temptation to crossdress always come back strong and hard. It is much like an addiction as crossdressing can offer psychological release, it offers escapism from the real world, it satisfied that desire for aesthetical beauty in human body, it fulfilled that feminine side that was inborn in us since the beginning of time (you can refer to my earliest post about how we were born to be female to begin with) and of course, it also help to achieve sexual gratification for some. Do not get me wrong, there are cases where some CDs quitted crossdressing and never to return, much like a passing phase in life or giving up a hobby.
I feel that CD should not be viewed as something “evil” or “un-pure” or “bad”. If we view crossdressing like a hobby, much like mahjong, we saw how some of our friends whose eyes will lit up when they hear the word “mahjong”, I feel that crossdressing should be the same. The key is to treat crossdressing like a past time, like going for a cosplay event, and not obsess with it or objectify it with sexual connotation (unless you are in your private space and just want a private time). Maybe then, we will not have so much negative stigma to associate crossdressing with and that can remove the sense of guilt and shame.
Besides talking about purging, this blog post is also about sharing how to deal with the purging urge when it hits you.
Solution 1: Have a storage space.
This is one of the most basic solutions. In fact, a lot of CDs have their own storage lockers and spaces or base. How is this a solution for purging? Rather than keeping the CDs stuff close to you to invoke more guilt feeling and rushing into purging. Simply lock up all your CD stashes in a storage space (or locker) and leave it there. It will cost money over time but this “sinking” cost is a worthwhile investment. Imagine the amount of money you spent purchasing all the things, the dresses, the lingerie, the make-up and accessories, only to have you throw them into the bin when that guilt trip feeling comes knocking. It will be better to just chuck them aside in the storage space, out of sight, out of mind. When you decided to crossdress again, your items are still intact in the locker. If you decided to quit crossdressing for good. Just leave the things there a little longer before committing what you want to do next. This solution is preferable for closet CDs as it does not involve meeting others unless you plan to give your CD stuff away. Even so, there is a way to walk around this, see some of the later solutions.
Solution 2: Putting it at your CD friends’ place or sharing a locker
Much like the previous solution but this one is a bit more cost effective. By sharing locker or storage space, you may half your cost yet still have your CD wares kept in a secure place and under the care of a CD friend. I know some CDs have quite a big place to crossdress, they will have some spare space for you to store your CD stash. Just remember to offer some reimbursements as you are technically imposing on them with your stuff. In the long run, if you decided to walk out of CD, you can just donate it to your friend. With social media such as Facebook, it is quite easy to put out request and to have someone who can help. The only thing is that, you need to have friends who are CD and also know who you are, not only as a CD, so this solution may be less popular for those who want to remain closet and keep their identity a secret.
Solution 3: Sell or Give it away to other CDs
When you really decided to clear off your CD stuff and stepping away, never to return. I guess the best thing to do is to do is to either sell or give it to other crossdressers. With social media platform such as Facebook, or even Caurosell, you can simply post photos of what you want to sell or give away and then private message to those interested parties to pick up from your locker. To avoid meeting anyone in your guy mode, you can always tell them the location of your locker and use a number lock for your locker (unless your storage space provider used special security feature, then it will be unworkable). In this way, you are helping other CDs and that can make you feel good also.
Solution 4: Donate to a CD studio
Like the abovementioned solution, when you are giving up crossdressing for good in pursue other things in your life, you can also donate your CD clothing and accessories to a CD studio. That was what I did recently when I visited Miss Y Studio. I am not purging, thank goodness but I got some undersized gowns and clothing that I think I could not give to my local CD friends like W or C, plus gowns are not really a common apparel to wear as a normal clothing… Anyway, for this solution, it will be better if you had visited the CD studio before and establish some form of contact with the studio owner. Just tell them that you wish to purge and see if they are willing to adopt your CD stuff. I believe they should be more than willing as it can help to expand the range of clothing they have in terms of design and sizes. In this way, you help to expand the CD studio business. Of course, you can try to sell them to the studio but I think by donating, the take up rate will be much higher. At the end of the day, these CD stuff have no value to you anymore since you are giving up.
With that, it comes to the end of another long post. Guess this might be the last post for 2022. I hope I can do a reflection and post it before 2022. In the meantime, enjoy and CD on in this festive seasons. Cheers.
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