CD can be quite a lonely hobby...

Christmas time, time to be merry and jolly, time for gathering with friends and loved ones... Somehow, not sure why, a part of me felt lonely. Especially a week ago, I was having the high of my time as Francesca when I visited Miss Y Studio and here I am a week later, feeling the blues... I think it was either Gin or Isabelle who mentioned that CrossDressing can be quite a lonely hobby and I never felt it so true especially today.

Do not get me wrong here, I am not asking company or male admirers. No please, I mentioned before, I DO NOT NEED MALE ADMIRERS! So stay off my profile. Thank you. I get my fair share of likes on Facebook and Instagram with my latest bridal snapshots taken and I am thankful for that. I do have a good bunch of CD friends, most of which I have not met except maybe three of them. That is because I am more of a closet and not really ready to take on the whole world yet by dressing out.

That feeling of loneliness is from the fact that I cannot share my latest joy of my CD friendly studio expedition with my friends and my loved ones. I do not think that my bunch of male friends will accept it. They will definitely take me as having mental or sexuality issue... I do not think my female group of friends will embrace this idea too, though I somehow have the inclination that some may be more open... But why risk it... And of course my wife, the one I have been keeping mum about Francesca so far... Consider that Isabelle can still shared her first wedding bridal shoot with her wife, someone who can share the joy with, I totally doubt I can show my wife the recent photos of Francesca in wedding gown as it will not go down easy with her... 

So, that is the reason for feeling that loneliness, especially today when friends gathered to talk about their recent overseas trip or experiences. I got to suppress that joy that Francesca had about the Malacca trip and not talk about it or even to show some of my photos taken that day. I have to live a lie that I told about my Malacca trip... That does not go down easy on me. That is why I remembered somehow that I read somewhere, CD can be quite a lonely hobby...

I mean, it may not always be the case, especially for those CDs who have friends who know that they crossdress, especially like cosplayers. There are also gatherings organised by some of the CD and TS groups like Sgbutterfly or Sggurls group, but I feel those are more for those CDs who are more veterans and experienced or more daring to dress out. For those not ready to leave the closet like me, I guess there is no other choice but to accept the fact that closet CrossDressing is a lonely past time and, we cannot and will not share with the ones we know in our male persona.

Just thought of letting it out here, hopefully I did not dampen the festive mood. Merry Christmas to all. Take care and Cheers. 

Between the Rock and a Hard Place (Would you rather…)

I am on a writing streak these few days, maybe because it is the month of December. Anyway, back to the topic title, if you are caught between a rock and a hard place, you are in a difficult situation where you have to choose between two equally unpleasant courses of action. Why this topic title for this blog post? Well, it has to do with one of the questions that Joyce (Miss Y Studio owner) asked me when I was at the studio. 

She asked me, if I were to caught by my wife, would I rather 

1. Admit that I crossdress? OR

2. Admit that I am having an affair outside?

Note: this question is not related to the challenge for "A Day Girl’s Life First Experience" but more of a starter topic that is like an ice breaker question...

Though the statement sounds a bit vague. Remember a blog post I did earlier on The Women’s Charter (CrossDresser’s Dilemma of Coming Out), the idea is to remain in the closet for as long as possible and keep it a secret. If you are always cautious and cover your tracks well, your CD habit/hobby may be well kept for as long as it gets. However, if you were caught, well… if your wife found out those CD studio shots of you in crossdressing costumes, those are pure evidences right in front of her. I guess there is no way to wriggle out of it. Or if your wife caught you while you are in the midst of dressing up. I guess it is quite evident that you are a crossdresser… No way to argue over it. I think in both these cases, the best is just to come clean…

Under what circumstances will this question asked by Joyce ever occur? For one, I always have female lingerie shipped to my house and at times, the mailbox. What if one day my wife accidently open up my parcel and saw brasseries and panties that are way too big for her… Or an accidental slip where I forgot to bring some of my CD wears back to my lair after washing and my wife found them under my bed. That can trigger the question as stated. I guess you get the picture… You are not caught in the act of CrossDressing, there is no solid evidence to indicate that you are a crossdresser, just maybe some oversized lingerie that do not belong to your wife found by her in the bedroom and your wife asked you to come clean. Of course I mean we can argue that we are having some fetish for lingerie and that can possibly get away with it but what if... those two questions were asked and you have to choose one... Would you choose to confess that you are a crossdresser? Or deny and say that it was just a moment of folly and that belongs to some other girls… 

Quite interestingly, Joyce shared that most of those who visited her studio claimed that they will choose to admit to having an affair than to admit that they crossdress. For me, I was caught in a fixed too by this question. Both are equally unpopular choices that have dire consequences. Of course some may choose to come clean and hopefully the wife will accept, like Isabelle’s case. However, I also heard of a few cases where coming clean lead to divorce… 

I think my answer to Joyce was similar to others, I will admit to having an affair instead. It seems like a suicidal move but in one sense, it can help to protect that dignity of my male persona. I mean, if the worst happened, words would not get around that I crossdress as a female. At least I will still appear as a normal man, but who is unfaithful rather than having something that is not well accepted in the Asian culture. Not sure if my rationale sounds logical enough but choosing to admit to an extra-marital affair can still help to safekeep the views that I am still a straight man in front of others. Do not get me wrong, I am not gay or what but the problem is, Asians tend to associate CrossDressing to gays or guys who are not straight and also the shame for a male to dress up as a female under normal circumstances. Hopefully with time moves on, people will be more accepting of CrossDresser as a norm. This is purely view and speculation and I really hope that this day will never ever come true. Maybe if it were to happen, maybe my decision will change? I don’t know… Let’s just keep it a secret for now and as long as it can get…

So my dear readers, what will you choose?

My CD Journey (Part 16) - My first visit to a CD Friendly Studio

If you have been following my previous blog posts, I have been doing some major upgrade on myself. I started off with the removal of my skin tags, trying putting on contacts and going for hair removal. I was doing all these in preparation for something rather major. I am visiting a CD friendly studio overseas (just across the causeway). So this blog post will be about my visit to the CD friendly studio, the preparation beforehand, the experience at the studio and the post visit reflection… so this is going to be a long blog post and I do apologise in advance…

The thought of visiting this studio, Miss Y Studio, started by a few photos posted by a FB friend called Micky. From the photos, I can see that Micky got to try on various ladies outfit and most of all, wedding gowns. What captivate me was that the studio offers quite a few packages that are quite interesting. They have something like “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience”, “Pseudo-Girl Shopping Experience” and “Pseudo-Girl Personal Bridal Photo Package” and so on.

After a few FB messenger messages and enquiries with Joyce (Miss Y Studio owner), I decided to try out their “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience”. Well, why I choose this package is because it offers the experience of menstrual period and wearing of sanitary pad (sounds really feminine), learning of body manners of females and trying on of women’s clothing and wedding gowns on so on. I have to admit, I think my mannerism are nowhere close to been female and somehow I feel that this package can offer what I was looking for… To feel like a girl. And so, this started my chain of events for the past few weeks where I started all the revamping of myself for this upcoming visit.

The trip to Malacca was quite an adventure for me as I was heading up there alone. Well, the truth is, I am not a big fan of traveling up to Malaysia because of the jam and of course, security issue. The number of times I went into Malaysia can be counted with 2 hands and the last time I went up was almost like 12 years ago, and with some friends… So heading up there alone and visiting Malacca, a place I never visited before, does sound crazy and scary for me… However, to visit a CD friendly studio was something that I never tried before but it is something that I really wanted to do… So I just pressed on with my decision… “Applying leave” from my wife side was not easy, I have to lie about heading up to Malacca with some friends and taking it as guys’ trip for food and fun… (PS: I do feel bad but I take it as a white lie…). Instead of driving up, I decided to book a coach ticket instead to save all the unnecessary trouble and danger of unfamiliar roads in Malaysia and it is cheaper too. So here begin my 3 Days 2 Nights CD Adventure Journey… 

Day 1

The coach service that I booked has drop off at three hotels in Melaka and that makes it so much easier. I chose the drop off at The Straits Hotel and Suites and stayed there. The Straits Hotel and Suites is now under the care of Noble Resort Hotel Melaka, so for those who are considering of visiting, can use this hotel also. The whole journey to Malacca started at 7:15am and by the time I reached my hotel… It was about 3:45pm. It took me like 8½ hours on the coach, all thanks to the school holiday jams… For the first day, nothing much to do except to rest and also explore around Jonker Walk area and Melaka river. Before the night ended, Joyce messaged me about what we will be doing tomorrow. As I took “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience” package, she asked what I most look forward to in the package. I told her that this was more like a try out experience for me and I wanted to be more girl-like in my mannerism and to really experience how it is to be a girl.

Day 2

Now for the actual day, I woke up early and packed my stuff. I got a big bag of CD clothing that I wished to pass to Joyce as I doubt any of the local SG CDs will want it (a convertible wedding gown, a purple gown, two cheongsam and a black dress, I will talk about this in my next blog post on Purging) and also two pairs of satin gloves. More about the gloves later. The fact is, Joyce told me no need to bring anything and that is the truth because the studio have a range of clothing. However, if you got some woman clothes that you like to wear, you can bring along. 

Anyway, from my hotel to the studio is not as easy as getting to Jonker Street where you can walk. You need a taxi to get there as it is around 10 to 12km away (based on Google map) and 18 to 20 mins by car. Thankful, with technology such as Grab, travelling to the studio is a breeze. I just need to input the address of the studio and wait for my GrabRide. I booked for my first Grab but the driver cancelled on me. Luckily, I was able to get another rider quite quickly. As I waited for the driver, my heart was racing as I eagerly anticipated about visiting the studio. The ride was smooth and it cost me like RM27. The Grab driver was really friendly and he asked why am I heading to the outskirts of the city. I did not know that the studio was located at the outskirts but I just told the driver I was visiting a friend. Haha…

Anyway, I reached my destination early so I decided to go over to a MacDonald nearby for breakfast. After getting a bite, I headed over to the studio at 10am, the time where my appointment was scheduled. Once I reached the studio, I was greeted warmly by Joyce, who congratulated me for taking on this journey to visit her studio. Before starting anything, Joyce and I had a good chat, she shared with me why she started this studio and I also shared about my CD journey. Joyce was really friendly and not sure why, I just open myself to her and shared with her openly about my CD journey. 

Before starting with make-up, Joyce asked me to select the clothing I wanted to wear. Note, this is more of those normal female clothing like a one piece dress or two pieces top and skirt kind of clothing. For me, I chose a red jacket and white top with a red skirt OL combination. Before wearing the clothing, I was asked to paste nipple tapes over my nipples and change into a panty and pantyhose. For the panty, Joyce showed me how to put a 45cm long sanitary pad into the panty before I proceed on to wear it. This has to be one of the most feminine thing I have done so far… So I did as per instructed and then she begin putting on Nubra(s) and push-up bra to create the cleavage for me… After which, I begin putting on the top, skirt and jacket. Joyce also handed me a size 45 heels and I just put it on and wear it. Joyce told me not to worry about the cleanliness of the clothing as she will wash them after use, plus with the sanitary pad on the panty, I feel quite assured of the cleanliness. However, if you feel uncomfortable about these, you can always bring your own if you want.

That is simply the appetizer as the real work begins now. Before doing make-up, Joyce asked if I wanted to try on contacts and I thought with my previously new gained skill, I can do it… However, it ended as a failure as I tried for a good 25 minutes and failed to get the contacts in even though the contacts she provided was smaller than the one I managed to put in the other time. Joyce stopped me from trying any further as my eyes are getting a bit red. Guess I got to manage without contacts this time round… The make-up process was really the highlight as under Joyce’s skillful and mastery use of make-up, she was able to do a fabulous make-up for me. In contrast of what I have been doing where I used lots of overpowering make-up colours to cover my face. The make-up done by her was not overpowering, it was light and subtle yet emphasize on the plus points which is my eyes… Everything was so beautifully done. Nothing too flamboyant but all in the right proportion. Once that is done and with a wig properly worn over my head, Francesca just came alive so beautifully. 

After the make-up, this is where the fun began. I was taught how to eat like a girl, how to seat like a girl and behave like a girl and most of all, how to walk in heels like a girl. Throughout all these activities, there are mini challenges. Only by passing these challenges then can I be allowed to try on more clothing and of course, the wedding gowns. I won’t go into the details of the challenges as it will spoil the fun for those who want to try out this package. The challenges are fun and definitely helped me to be more mindful on how to more girl-like… Remember that sanitary pad that I was wearing? Well, it is not simply wear for the sake of wearing. Joyce will put water onto it periodically to simulate menstrual period coming of a woman. That really let me understand how a girl feels like when she is having her period, minus the pain of course. It has a very different feel and it really make me feel quite feminine and vulnerable at the same time…

After passing the mini challenges (thanks to Joyce for not setting the bar too high), I was allowed to try on quite a few other clothing. For me, I was quite open and do not really have much preference, so I let Joyce decide for me. So, she let me try on the “Joshi Koukousei” (Japanese female high school students) uniform and also a different colour wig. She tied a double pony tails for me, I looked kind of funny, yet cute at the same time… So Joyce helped to take a few photos using the mobile phone and a ring light. After that, I tried on a red wig with a lilac mermaid-like gown. That gown is nice but somehow I do not think that I did justice to it as my broad shoulder and slouch sitting posture did not help to bring out the aesthetic beauty of this mermaid gown.

For the next segment, it was the putting on of the wedding gowns. Before wearing it, Joyce helped me to put on a corset to get that hourglass figure. The next outfit was a red wedding gown that I chose, with my red wig. I think it goes really well. Remember the gloves I mentioned earlier… Well, the studio has some satin gloves but they are white and the shorter version. The longest they have is 52cm opera gloves. Luckily a FB CD friend named Melissa advised me to bring my own. I took her advice and bought two pairs of 70cm satin gloves, both black and white along for this trip. That was one of my best decisions… The red gown together with the black satin gloves and the red wig. Francesca look really beautiful. 

Now, the finale, the white gown that all girls are looking forward to. For this set, I changed into the white wedding gown first and then Joyce changed the wig for me. The wig is a bit brownish in colour, full of volume and length with slight curl towards the end. After putting on the wig and looking at the mirror, I could not believe my eyes. That was the perfect look I was looking for. We perfected it with a tiara and after putting on my white 70cm long satin gloves, Francesca transformed into a beautiful bride. 

Throughout the process, Joyce was helping me to take photos using my mobile phone and I also did some selfies too because my package never include studio photography but more of the girl’s experience. So for those CDs who are considering this package, photography is not part of the deal. Joyce was nice enough to set up a ring light for me and guide me with the posing while she helped me to take some shots using my mobile phone. This is value added service with no extra charges. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end. With the last white wedding gown. It has come to the end of my 6 hours package. So I changed back to my guy’s clothing and Joyce helped me to remove my make-up. I had such a wonderful experience at the studio and time flies without me realising it… I was so happy with the whole package that I gave Joyce the two satin gloves as a gift to her studio, hoping that it can help her to expand her collection. And with that, I bid farewell to her and took a Grab back to my hotel. Strangely, it only cost me like only RM14. And with that, this draw an end to my first CD friendly studio visit in the land aboard.

Day 3

This morning, as I wake up, I feel that my girl’s heart was awaken, I feel the feminine side of me arising, that feeling of gratefulness, love, tenderness and happiness inside my heart. I feel free for the first time… For once, Francesca was able to fully release herself and find herself in this process. 

However, as this day passes, I have to put all these behind me, bid farewell to Malacca and head back to Singapore. As I journeyed back to Singapore on the coach, a feeling of emptiness engulfed me. I finally understood how Isabelle felt when she mentioned how empty she felt after going for her first bridal studio shoot. I guess that emptiness came from the fact that, I never knew when will be the next time I can visit Miss Y Studio (and Joyce) again and most of all, I do not know if I can get the same look for Francesca again, that feeling of lost, heart-broken and emptiness… 

As the journey back was long, I have some time to reflect about this trip. I tried to look on the brighter side, I experienced something I have never done before. I went on a solo trip to a place I never been to, I tried on a CD friendly studio and make a new friend. Most of all, I helped Francesca to discover herself. Not sure what gotten into me but I decided to have a Chinese name for Francesca, her Chinese name is 许慧心. It means intelligent heart, or wisdom. That is how I envision Francesca to be, diligent and intelligent, smart yet beautiful with a pure and loving heart. 

Anyway, my coach back begins at 4:15pm and I only managed to reached Singapore drop off point around 12:30am the next day. It took me like another 8½ hours again. I took Grab back and that concluded my solo 3 Days 2 Nights CD Adventure Journey to Miss Y Studio. 

Conclusion

If you are still reading this, I thank you for your patience as I tried to record my whole experience as vividly as I can recall from my memory. Here is my overall conclusion about my visit, Miss Y Studio is located at the outskirts of Malacca, you can get a Grab and it should take around 18 to 20 minutes to reach if you stationed in the city heart of Malacca. There is a MacDonald nearby, so no need to worry about going hungry. In fact, throughout the whole process, I was not hungry at all. Haha… The studio is of reasonable size, probably 50 to 60 metre square area. Not really that big but the place is rather cozy and non-cluttered. The environment is totally safe to CD as the whole place belongs to Joyce and there is also a bathroom in the unit. The range of clothing offered are quite interesting and a lot of varieties catering for slightly bigger size like me. In fact, I did promise Joyce that I will pass her more of my costumes or clothing that I want to discard to her the next time I go over. Hopefully more CDs can consider visiting Miss Y Studio so that Joyce can have more businesses and she can expand her studio and collection in the future. 

In terms of service, Joyce is a very warm, caring and friendly person, she really knows how to hold a conversation well and I feel so comfortable with her. Her make-up skill and photography skills were something she picked up over the course of her life. She is truly an amazing lady. She is also playful and daring to try different styles and that make the whole process so fun and engaging. There was never a quiet or dull moment throughout my time at her studio, there was always fun and laughter. During the make-up application and removal process, Joyce will ask if I am feeling okay because my eyes tend to be sensitive, so she put in extra care to check if I am fine. Felt really good to have an "elder sister" to show concern throughout the whole process. In terms of age, I am older than Joyce, so technically she is like a "younger sister". However, once I complete my transformation, I was like a young lady in front of her, and she got that "elder sister" vibes. To Joyce, thank you so much for making my first visit to your studio a memorable one and appreciate you for taking care of me during my time in your studio and most of all, helping me to find Francesca and discovering herself as 许慧心.

As for the package, it is “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience”. This whole package is about the experience and not the photography. That experience of wearing a sanitary pad and worrying that it will start leaking. How to behave like a lady when sitting near a table and eat like a lady, how to put my legs when sitting down, how to undo the hooks for those heels with strips without exposing yourself and keeping yourself balance at the same time, how to walk briskly on high heels without looking like a man walking (tell sign that it is a crossdresser). All these behaviour and mannerism. It is not easy if you do not have someone to look out all these for you and guide you along. I did suggest to Joyce to have organised some paid workshops for CDs like Make-up Classes or lady etiquette grooming class in the future. Hopefully she can work out something. Back to the package, this package is around 6 hours in total and the whole make-up process can take around 1.5 hours to 2 hours depending. My advice is, for those who considering this package, keep an open mind and heart to try out what Joyce has to offer. If you have something that you wanted to try in mind, better check with her first so that she can prepare. The key to this is communication, openness and most of all, enjoy the process. 

What are some things that I regret about this whole experience… Well, for a start, I am disappointed with myself for not been able to wear the contacts. I could have perfected the looks for Francesca with bigger iris and my eyes will look more attractive. However, my normal eyelid reflexes was such a let-down that render it hard to put in the contacts… The next regret was… I should have apply to go back a day later instead as I heard from Joyce that there is another open slot on the day I was scheduled to go back to Singapore… I should have extended my stay by another day and engage her for another package… The last regret was, I forgot to ask Joyce to help me to take an overall body shot of that first red OL suit that I was wearing initially. I think that whole set suit me really well and I love it. I never really knew that I can look good in red… Guess I was too excited with the experience that I forgot to take a good full body shot… Oh well, I really look forward to the next time where I can visit Miss Y Studio again. I totally love the experience there. 

Some may ask, is the 17 hours to and fro Malacca worth it? For only a 6 hours visit. Like I mentioned, if I had planned beforehand, I would have stayed for another day and take up another package. However, even though it was just 6 hours, that whole first time experiencing something that I never expected. Totally priceless. In fact, I really don't mind taking up the “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience” again or should I try her other packages. Should really consider driving up to Malacca next time instead, maybe during off peak season. Anyway, really looking forward to my next visit. By the way, for those who are thinking of squeezing two packages within a day, I feel that it will be very tight and rush, and you will not enjoy the process as you will be all tired. Joyce will be quite tired too. So if you can, try to only do one of those 6 hours package in a day and do another package another day.

And with that, this has come to the end of my really long blog post… Thank you so much for reading... 

Disclaimer: I am NOT paid to write this blog but more of sharing my personal experience after engaging Joyce from Miss Y Studio. Each of our experience will be different, depending on the mentality and expectation, so your mileage may vary. I hope that I did not oversell this package but I personally really enjoy my session and time at the studio. As mentioned before, communicate with Joyce beforehand, openness in the mind and heart, get yourself ready mentally to try out anything, then just go with the flow and enjoy the whole experience and process. Good luck and enjoy. Cheers.

(PS: For those who have not visited Malacca before, the hotels will impose a Melaka Heritage Tax of RM2 per room per night, just for your info)

Removal of Body Hair

December is the best period for me to work on my blog as most of my colleagues and bosses are on annual leave. So that gave me more personal time to work on my blog that I have been neglecting for months… Not sure if I can keep the tempo of blogging like Isabelle or Gin. Anyway, there are not a lot of visitors maybe except a few “unlucky” visitors who stumbled onto my blog due to referral from Isabelle’s blog. Haha…

Anyway, this topic is about body hair removal. Remembered that I blogged about removing my skin tags from my armpits recently. With my “shame” gone, I decided to venture further, to clean out of body hair. Lucky for me, I am not a hairy beast like Austin Powers. Haha. I am a normal guy so the common area for hair are the armpits, the legs and of course, the “man’s area”. I will not go into facial hair here because I shared in my previous post that I usually use the plucking method to get rid of them. Only like once a while, I will shave just to save time. I doubt that I will do anything to my facial hair as I feel that they are manageable as my moustache and beard do not grow that fast. However, they sure do are irritating especially when I am making up and I start seeing all the short stubs around…

As for my body hair, I will usually shave my leg hair and man’s area using my normal shaver and within a few weeks, they grow back again. However, it is still very important to shave off the leg hair. I cannot emphasize more on this point. Even though I will usually wear skin colour tights of higher denier to mask off my blemishes and wounds on my leg, I still religiously shave off my leg hair whenever I crossdress. There are some CDs who just don on pantyhose of lower denier yet never bother to shave their legs at all and that looked really disturbing instead of sexy… A lot of CDs missed the points about shaving the leg hair when crossdressing and chose to skip this step. 

Firstly, shaving the leg hair is needed especially wearing pantyhose of a lower denier as the lower the denier you go for, you will have that sheer and barely there look, your leg hairs will stick out more than just a sore thumb but more like a sore eye for all. Secondly, by removing the leg hair, one of your largest body surface area (both legs) will become bare and sensitive especially after the first few days of shaving. When you wear the stockings or pantyhose, your skin is coming in full contact with the silky nylon and that feeling is indescribable… It will make you feel sexy, sensual and loved… 

Enough of legs already, now to armpit area. After my recent skin tags removal, the aesthetic doctor advised me to go for laser treatment like IPL hair removal treatment. I was still considering when I saw a cheaper and less painful option by Smoovee Skin. It is a Korean hair removal and the charges are more affordable. However, I am not sure about the effectiveness though. So I decided to check it out, I went there to get my legs hair removed and also my armpits hair since they are having some promotion now. The process lasted almost an hour and was really painless. First they will remove the hair via a small shaver and the therapist will apply gel and then proceed with pulsed light technology. After the process, both my armpits are free of hair (for now) and my hairless legs feel really good…

I am still considering if I should go for their next level, the boyzillan hair removal for that area… Hehe… Anyway, do check them out if you are having trouble with your body hair. Take it as others doing a service for you to prep you for your CD session. Haha…

Regrets in Life

This post may not be totally CrossDressing related (maybe just for a short portion), but more of my inner voice wanting to be heard… I was inspired by Isabelle post on “What would you do different you can turning back time” and that really resonated in me greatly. I made a lot of bad and wrong choices in life and how I wish I can turn back time and undo a lot of things. Not sure if any of you are fans of Marvel “What-If” series but I really wonder if there is an alternate universe out there where Francesca is a real woman…

Here are my list of things that I wished that had happened differently, the outcome will be really different…

1. Relationship and Love

I am married but at times, I really questioned my decision if I had made the right choice… On one hand, if my married life is truly happy, maybe Francesca will never have existed. Francesca came into existence because my married life lack passion, emotional and sexual satisfaction… Francesca is someone I wish to be with. She know how to dress up, doll up and be feminine, that is what is lacking in my other half… My wife is a total workaholic and lack the understanding of what men want… I will leave it at that and not air my dirty laundry here or say any further. Before anyone start commenting that we should try communicating with one another, I just use one simple example to illustrate, I told her that I wish that she will dress up in hosiery once a while and she commented that it is hot… Guess you got the gist

On the other hand, I am glad that somehow my wife is not a total control freak and she will not ask a lot if I am out too late but I also cannot go overboard. This laissez-faire attitude allow Francesca to raise up from the ashes after my constant purges. At times, my shipment of CD wares got delivered to my home and my wife just help me to receive them without asking too much. At times, I simply make up some excuses to her that I ordered things for my work use and that got me off the hook.

So, if you ask me, if I were to turn back time, will I want to change this aspect? I think I will rather stay single and have more liberty and time to allow Francesca to manifest herself. Or maybe I will focusing on other aspects of my life such as having so much freedom that I forgot about Francesca, that is highly possible also. 

Of course I also asked myself, what if I had gotten back to my first ex-girlfriend, the one who accepted my hosiery fetish… I am not sure if she will accept Francesca as a whole as who she has become today… Back then, Francesca did not fully exist but more of a manifestation of my hosiery fetish, I believe that my first ex will be really shocked to see the full transformation of Francesca. For that, I will rather say, I chose singlehood. For my readers of my blog, I am not advocating singlehood or choosing divorce. To each their own, I value having the freedom to do things on my own terms and time, so I find that will be the lifestyle that suits me better… Or maybe I just need a better half who can accept Francesca or someone who is Francesca-like and that will take away my desire to CD…  

2. Physical Build and Facial Features

For those who have been following my blog, you will realised that I have been complaining about my big build. I used to be of acceptable male body build, more like average size except my feet, which has been big since young. As I progressed in life, things took a turn and I started to grow horizontally where I really ballooned in size. Luckily I was able to stop that growth and through the use of medication, I was able to curb my eating and my size went back but still above my ideal weight of 75kg (I am around 1.75m tall). This good size lasted for a good couple of years before my weight bounced back again.

I have been using other medication that I can get off the counter and exercise to reduce my weight but to no avail. So, my weight has been yoyoing (going up and down) but in an slowly increasing manner. Now, my body is like 虎背熊腰, 萝卜腿 (Tiger Back, Bear Waist and Radish Legs), so it is really hard to pass off as a CrossDresser. That is why I chose to remain in closet instead of heading out like some of the other CDs…

Besides my physique, I am someone who never really take care of my face and other features. I got slightly tan skin, my face got craters and pox marks due to pimples and chicken pox. In comparison with other CDs, I really pale in terms of features. What is worse is that my face shape is not a typical round or ellipse but I feel my face is like a symmetrical trapezoid with the base heavier. Therefore, it is really hard for my face to pass off as a female…

One of my biggest regrets is that I never really focus on taking care of my body, my face and health. I never really pay much attention and now I am paying a high price or to some extend, unrepairable damages done to my physical aspects that render it quite hard to pass off as a woman when I crossdress. 

I know that there are other CDs who are plus size but somehow, what they lack, there is always something to make up for it. E.g. Some may be plus size but got nice feminine facial features. Others got an acceptable face and a fully passable body aspects. And there are some that have both… If only I had really taken care of my body, watch my diet, do exercise, rest more and sleep early and took care of my face and not be itchy hands to squeeze those pimples, I think Francesca may be more presentable…

3. Purging

I was planning do a long article on this topic but for here, I will just share what I would have done differently if I can rewind back time. Purging is always and will always be the “biggest” enemy of any CrossDressers. Purging can be an impulse and they are always costly. Imagine the amount of money, time and effort you pump into getting those clothing and accessories only to be them ended up in the bin because of that impulse to purge. Don’t get me wrong. If you are have outgrown the need to crossdress and want to give up and never to return. That is a good thing. However, most of the time, we have CDs who have purged only to return months or years later… 

For me, I have purged quite a few times in my CD journey, three times if I recalled correctly. Those are really painful experience and waste of money. Money aside but there are some fashion, clothing design or accessories that are no longer available once you throw them away and not forgetting the emotional attachment to some of these items, e.g. the first satin half slip... Once I throw them away, I also threw away the sentimental value... That is the sad part. I know that with all the ecommerce systems and online shopping are the in thing now but apparel design change with times and there are some designs that I really love, e.g. a bodyshaping slip that I got for my ex-girlfriend but I can no longer find that brand or design or some of those feeling… Of course, in monetary aspects, if I have not purged, I would have save so much money instead of having to restart everything again from zero.

If I could turn back time, I would have stopped my purging and just kept all my stash in a few boxes, seal them up and keep them in the depths of the storeroom whenever that urge to quit CDing hits me. Or I will just get a small storage storeroom and keep my stashes there. If I ever outgrown my CD urges, by then I would have known it. And I can just safely dispose my CD wares away. If I ever give in to Francesca’s calling, I know where to find my stuffs and this can be cost effective and Francsca will have more money to buy other apparels to grow her collection… 

Finally completed this post that I have been working on for quite some time. I understand that this post can sound kind of solemn and heavy as I dwell into topics that we regret about. Now, if it is for you, what are some of things that you will do differently if you can turn back time? Do give it a thought. 

My CD Journey (Part 15) - Small steps towards perfecting Francesca

Sorry to all my visitors for my perpetually quiet blog. I do really want to apologise for not blogging much. Not that I got no topic to share, in fact I was working on one but some how I just put it on hold. In addition, I have not been able to dress up much due to my work. The workload seems to be mounting and at times I really just wanted to take a break and dress up and release the pressure. However, when the time or opportunity come, I chose to use those pockets of time to rest and relax. Maybe I must be getting lazier and dressing up no longer excite me as much? Probably a lack in motivation? Well, I guess I have too many things on my plate currently, my new work and then looking into family planning and so on. So that really zap the energy and enthusiasm out of CrossDressing...

Anyway, enough of my ranting, back to the topic. This post came in new as there were some progress along my CD journey. No, no, I am not talking about transition or taking hormones, those are seriously off my plate. There were two things that I like to share, hopefully it can help to inspire my fellow CDs who were faced with similar problems to take the bold step like me.

Removal of skin tags

What are skin tags? Skin tags are small pieces of soft, hanging skin that may have a peduncle, or stalk. They can appear anywhere on the body, but especially where skin rubs against other skin or clothing.

Yes, I have a problem with skin tags and just like in the picture (that is not my armpit), I have it on my armpit. Some may ask, it is on the armpit, nobody will see it unless I wear sleeveless. In fact, that is the reason why I seldom wear sleeveless or "show more skin" (in addition, I got broad shoulders also). I do have a set of office black dress that is sleeveless and also the 1970s to 1980s Wonder Woman costume that is bare shoulder and also some sleeveless and bare shoulder cheongsam. With the skin tags, they just make me more conscious of my dressings and my arms movement when posing and this really affect my confidence. Because of these skin tags, I dare not and could not do a clean shave of my armpit hair like how W did it. That is why, I decided to take action and went to remove it. If you search "Skin tags removal Singapore", you will find quite a few options. In fact, those clinics that remove skin tags, take it like removing warts or moles via laser. The cost really depends on the size of the skin tags. I did my skin tags removal at Bio Aesthetic. It cost like $350 for the first piece and subsequent pieces were charged at $80. I think that is how it was charged, or at least in my case. 

The process was quite simple. I need to try shaving my armpit first (quite weird if you think about it, I want to remove the skin tags for easier shaving of armpit) before heading down to the clinic. Once at the clinic, they will help to clean and numb the armpit using numbing cream. After that, consultation and using of laser to remove the skin tags. The whole process took less than 2 hours and the removal process was a bit painful (yes, you will feel the stinging and burning sensation as the laser cut through the skin tags but I feel it worth it) even with the numbing cream but I find it bearable. 

After the removal, I can continue my life like normal, maybe just be more conscious about the armpit area as the wounds slowly heal. I was given antiseptic cream to apply and I just apply for the first few days and that is it. The main care I need is to wash and dry the armpit area to prevent infection. To keep the armpit dry, never put powder, just wipe or "air" dry will do. 

And with the removal of my skin tags from my armpit, somehow I feel more confident. I guess the next step will be to remove my armpit hair or maybe go for whitening process. Hopefully with that, I will be more daring to have more sleeveless dresses or costumes to try out next time.

Putting on Contact Lenses 

I have to admit, I have small and sensitive eyes and putting on of eyeliner and eye lashes have always been a challenge when I CD. However, with more practices over time. I became better and less scare of having something around my eyes... However, I decided to take this up by a notch and wanted to explore wearing of contact lenses. All these while, I was quite lucky to keep a 6/6 eyesight and do not need to wear glasses or anything, so getting contact lenses never really crosses my mind under I begun CDing. I see how contact lenses can amplify the eyes and make them lively and big, which I feel will enhance the looks of Francesca.

So I decided to take the purge and order 2 sets of brown contact lenses from Shopee with 0 degree. In case you were wondering, why I never go to the optometrist to get a prescribed lenses. I guess I do not want to create suspicion like why will a person with near perfect eyesight want to get contact lenses. I mean, as I aged, my eyesight does deteriorate but I doubt it will be to an extend of getting prescribed contact lenses. Or maybe that is just me for been overly cautious. Anyway, there are more varieties on Shopee for me to choose from instead of the normal transparent contacts that do nothing much to enhance the eyes. However, besides just ordering contact lenses, I also ordered a few types of contact lens kits to help me to put on easily and also watch quite a few Youtube videos to teach me how to put on my contact lenses.

Once my contact lenses and the rest of the items arrived. I went to my lair to try to put it on. After a grueling two hours, I still failed to put it on as my eyelids just shut close whenever the contact lens come near the eye. I was thinking if it was because my eyes are too small and the contact lenses that I ordered is around 14mm or so, which I felt was a bit too big for my eyes. So I begun searching the internet for smaller contact lenses. W advised me to seek help from the optometrist and maybe they will help to advise if I need smaller contact lenses.

I have pretty much surrendered my fate and thought that I may never wear a contact lens in my life. So I was thinking if I should heed W advice and visit an optometrist. So I was thinking through the whole process where I failed to put on my contacts and concluded that it was my eyelid that is the problem. My eyelid will shut tight involuntarily whenever the contacts and the applicator come close. So I figured out that I needed something to hold the eyelid up. So I decided to use the most primitive method. That was to tape my eyelid up. This method may sound crude but it really helped. I used the Nexcare Sensitive Skin Tape to tape my eyelid up and use my fingers to pry out the eye bigger to allow me to put on the contact lenses. The tape really helped a little as it managed to prevent the involuntarily shutting of my eyelid when I applied the contact lenses. After a few tries, I finally succeeded!!! I was so thrilled and happy. Knowing that I can put on contact lenses has been a major milestone for me in term of my CD journey as Francesca. 

So for those fellow CDs who are facing issues of putting on contact lenses, please do not give up hope. Just try a method that will work for you. Hope to be able to share some photos in the future of my new and improved Francesca. That is all. Thanks for reading and Cheers. 

Make-up Tips for Beginner CrossDresser

Finally find some time to get back to blog and keep my semi-hiatus blog alive… I do apologise for the lack of updates as my work has gone into full swing and have been rather busy. Coupled with things happening in my personal life, really take a toll on my time or should I say Francesca’s time… 

While writing this, I saw an incomplete post that I was drafting but left hanging there since like April. I guess I will continue to work on that when the mood comes back. What am I going to share today, well, this is a CrossDressing related website, I will talk about CD topics of course.

I am going to talk about make-up. This is not a real step-by-step procedure or workflow that you can deploy and immediately turn from a man into the other gender. There are tons of make-up resources on YouTube or social media platform that you can look it up. What I am going to share are some tips that worked for me and also address some reasons why some of the CDs still prefer to quick and dirty method of using apps such as FaceApp or PhotoShop or MeiTu to make themselves become the opposite gender…

For me, make-up can easily take up to one and a half hour as I needed more work to cover up my flaws and masculine features. I know other CDs like W who can do make-up on the car and be done within like 20 minutes… It is really a godsend for those who are born with good and nice features as they do not need as much time as those who are like me… 

Anyway, I will just share the outline and stages of make-up, from preparation and to the final outcome… I will write in broad stages but will not be explaining with YouTube or pictures as you can probably find them online…

Stage 0 – Preparation of figure. For this stage, it is the preface of the whole CD experience. If you are wearing those breast form with neck, you have to put it on at this initial stage as putting it on later will just damage or smudge your make-up. It may be warm if you are using the breast form, so it will be advisable to do this in an aircon environment. 

Stage 1 – Preparation of face. After preparing the figure, I will put on the hair net to pull back and hide my normal hair. After this, I will usually spend a good 10 to 15 minutes removing my unwanted facial hair on my face, be it the moustache or beard stubs, the sideburns’ stray hair and also eye brows. I will spend the time to pluck the hair out. To safe time, I will do that at home when I am free and in guy mode without anyone suspecting anything. Some CDs may prefer to shave, there is no hard or fast rule.

Stage 2 – Primer and Foundation. Not many people will use primer but primer is a preparatory product that's applied after your skin care to create an ideal canvas to hold onto whatever makeup comes afterward — like foundation, tinted moisturizer, or concealer. After the primer, I will use foundation. Try to choose a foundation that matches your skin tone, it can be one or two tones lighter or darker but it should match your “exposed” skin tone, maybe around the neck or shoulder. Currently, I am using Maybelline Fit Me Matte & Poreless Primer 30ml and got a range of Fit Me Liquid Foundation for different skin tone that I want to achieve. 

Stage 3 – It is all about the eyes. Eye shadow, Eye liner, fake eyelashes, mascara, eyebrow pencil. Usually, I will do my eyes after letting my liquid foundation dry a bit. I don’t think I mastered how to do my eyes properly as I learned from YouTube and mostly are trial-and-error. I will usually do in the order as listed above. I will do my eye shadow using the Maybelline City Mini palette. I love eye shadow as I can go crazy with the different colour combination, from fun to solemn setting all with the touch of the eye shadow. Next is eyeliner, I only go for Hypersharp Power Liner, Black eyeliner as I can have better control and it has better “traction” over the eye shadow. I have tried other eyeliner from Maybelline but so far, my favourite is still this one. Usually at this stage, I might ruin some of eye shadow as I need to peel open my eyelid for the eyeliner but it can be easily touch up later. I ever tried eyeliner first then eye shadow but the eyeliners tend to get covered over by the eye shadow. This is the confusing part as I tend to switch between putting on fake eyelashes first then mascara. For mascara, I don’t really have a preferred one but for fake eyelashes glue, I swear by Sephora Collection False Eyelash Glue (7ml) as they are tacky and really does it job. Putting on fake eyelashes has always been an issue for me. So if you don’t get it right the first time, it is fine. Last but not least, eyebrow pencil. For this, I also got no preference as my eyebrow are quite thick, at times I just leave it as it is even though I do trimmed a bit once a while.

Stage 4 – It is all about the lips… Lip stick and lip gloss. For me, I always prefer conventional lip stick to those liquid lipstick. Maybe it is a mindset thingy but when was putting on the conventional lip stick, it has a sensual feel as I slowly slip into feminine character. To make the lip puff up and glossy, I used the Barry M Cosmetics That's Swell Plumping Lip Gloss. It really make the lip stand out.

Stage 5 – Blusher, Contouring and touch up. This is the final and last step. For me, I will usually just apply the blusher and touch up but if I want to “appear” slimmer, I will use the Maybelline V-Face Duo Powder. However, I think there is a newer product in the market that I have yet to try. For blusher, I use the Maybelline Fit Me Blush series. There are a few tones you can choose from. As for touching up, it usually involved some concealer or to take care of eye bags issue or touch up the nose or eye area.

Stage Cleaning up – After all the fun and glamour and selfie, time to clean up… For cleaning up, I will usually use wet wipes to clean up my face, lips and eyes. After that, I will use either the Maybelline Micellar Water or Sephora Original Triple Action Cleansing Micellar Water and also the Maybelline Clean Express Lip and Eye Makeup Remover with cotton pads. No hard and fast rule for cleaning. Just make sure that you clean thoroughly. 

There you go, my steps and list of make-up that I used for my CrossDressing session. I know make-up is troublesome but the steps taken to transform from a guy to a lady is definitely worth it. This process or journey that build and get me into a feminine character, transform me not just physically but also mentally as I see myself becoming more and more prettier as the make-up goes onto the face. All I have in my mind was, what is the look that I want and I just want to look beautiful. Hope those CDs who are uncertain, just give it a try. Enjoy the process while you are at it.

PS : I am not advertising for Maybelline or Sephora but these are the brands that I am using and really pleased with the results.