Looking Back at 2022 (A Reflection of my CD Journey in 2022)

I have decided to follow what Isabelle did as she tends to write a reflection about her CrossDressing journey for that year on the last day. Since I got some time on hand, I decided to just look back at Francesca’s CD Journey for the whole of 2022.

I guess 2022 started quite plainly for Francesca. I seriously did nothing much this year except that occasional binge buying of ice-skating leotards and a few other clothing and CD stuff. I guess I was very much busy with my new work and picking up new hobbies and that really drained my time off from CDing. The number of times I visited my secret lair dropped drastically. I would usually visit it like at least once a week but for this year, I hardly step in, except that occasional few times when I need to hide my shipment of new clothing. 

There was a couple of time where I wanted to dress out during the night, following my first dress out session with W back on Dec 2021 but I decided to pull out last minute as I was having hard time finding a pair of heels that I can walk in plus I feel that I still very much walked like a guy and it is a tell sign that I am not a female… I also have been chatting with other CDs on Facebook and Instagram and thought of meeting them up. However, timing has been an issue as I was quite caught up these days...

As I hardly got time to visit and enjoy my lair, the thought of downsizing my secret base did cross my mind actually. I was even contemplating about sharing or subletting my lair out to other CDs to reduce the overhead. I PMed some of the other CDs to understand about their rental cost and trying to work out something. I ended up just browsing Commercial Guru website again to lookout for a smaller place that will suit my current lifestyle. As I hardly crossdress throughout main bulk of this year due to my busyness, the thought of purging and giving up CD came my mind but I quickly dismissed that thought and chose to leave everything in my lair and visiting it like once or twice a month. That is why even my blog came to a standstill with hardly update at all. I do get visitors from Isabelle’s blog referral because of my posting on renting of Storage Space or Commercial Space but there is hardly any update at all.

In term of my alternate life, family planning discussion was on the table and started to look at this matter with my wife and that further eat into the time for Francesca to dress up. Things are still not spicing up with my wife, it still lack passion and tease unfortunately and there are things that I will not share openly here but I will just summary it as consummation is not an enjoyable deed for her despite everything I tried… Enough of that, with so many things on my plate, I hardly got time and mood to dress up as Francesca. 

Things are getting stagnated as I just go with the flow of life by focusing on my new work. I feel really guilty for not dressing up as I am just neglecting Francesca’s inner voice and needs… However, as the month of November and December draws nearer, with all the hustle and bustle winding down. I started to get a bit of my “ME” time. That is when I stumbled across a FB CD friend named Micky who shared some of her photos taken at a CD friendly studio, Miss Y Studio. The price for the packages offered by the studio are really attractive as it will not burn a hole in my wallet and it is just up in Malacca. Despite I have not been up to Malaysia for a decade or more, I still decided to check it out and the rest were history.

The real activities for Francesca started in the month of November and December as I began a makeover, starting with skin tag removal, trying out contact lens and hair removal from my legs and armpits. All these for my finale, the CD studio visit. It was my solo trip to the land aboard and also visiting a CD studio as a guy. That was definitely the highlight for Francesca this year and it was really one bold step that I took. Really a memorable experience. Looking back, this has been one of the best things I have done so far for Francesca and I do look forward to more visits to Miss Y Studio.

Of course, with so many activities happening, my blog began breathing again and started coming alive after a long hiatus with almost 8 blogs post in the month of December alone.

Looking forward to 2023, I really wish I can have more free time to be Francesca, focus more on my health by losing more weight, eating right and healthy, and of course, the occasional pampering with hair removal and possibly facial and skin care (hope my pocket is deep enough). I will like to buy more outdoor clothes for Francesca as most of her collection are either leotards or cheongsams. I needed something more common, like a nice one piece dress. 

In this brand new year, I wish I have the courage to take the next step forward by starting to really dress out as Francesca and of course, I do look forward to another visit to Miss Y Studio, that is definitely in my plan, maybe I will take on her other packages such as “Pseudo-Girl Shopping Experience” or “Pseudo-Girl Personal Bridal Photo Package” or even taking up “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience” again. However, maybe this time, I am considering driving up instead. Besides all that, for this new year, I hope to practice more on the feminine mannerism that I picked up from Joyce and be more watchful of how I eat, walk and sit to be more lady like. And not forgetting, I must master how to put in contact lenses easily into my eyes without all the big hoo-ha.

Last but not least, I hope to blog more and have topics that is of interests to other CrossDressers. And with that, I bid farewell to a memorable and exciting filled 2022 and eagerly looking forward to more CD conquests in 2023. Take care and Happy New Year. 

Purging urges... (Why and how to handle them)

I have been planning and working on this post for quite a while, maybe some time in October when I conceptualised the idea of writing this topic about purging but things just cropped up and I left the half completed post hanging there. Finally find the time to complete it.

Purging has been one of the banes for crossdressers. I believe somehow, all crossdressers will have at least one episode of purging through their entire CD journey. May it be force by circumstances or self-initiated, we bound to encounter it. By definition, to purge is to rid (someone or something) of an unwanted quality, condition, or feeling. So, purging in crossdressing term is basically the act of getting rid of all your female clothing, accessories, and paraphernalia.

What causes purge? 

Well, I am not a certified doctor or psychologist to give a medical explanation but I will share my experience as someone who has undergone purging and reflect on it. 

1. Forced purging

This type of purging as the name suggested, it was forced or imposed by others, from an external party or circumstances. The most common groups of CDs who undergone this type of purging are usually those who just started out CrossDressing and was caught by parents (especially mothers). The feeling of embarrassment, shame and guilt, followed by scolding and ticking from parents where they forced you to purge, whether you like it or not. There is no recourse, no room for negotiation. 

Or for married CDs, having been caught in the act of CDing by your wife and after some tense and nerve wrecking talks, and you promised to kick away the hobby of CrossDressing and you were forced to destroy your whole CD collection… But this is seldom the case.

Or moving of house / spring cleaning, for this situation, it is more for those CDs who do not have a proper space to keep your CD stuff. Especially for younger CDs who are staying with parents, the word “moving house” or “spring cleaning” can be quite stressful because your secret CD stash that is either hiding behind your bunch of army / reservist items or on top in that hard-to-reach cabinet may be exposed and you are not able to find a safe place to hide your CD wares. This is especially scary when you have a mother who will want to do a thorough clean-up of all your items, going through item by item, cabinet by cabinet, to decide what to keep or what to throw. In this situation, you were forced to take the plunge and purge… (I was in this situation when I first started out…)

2. Self-initiated purging

Self-initiated purging can occur more commonly than we thought. It is especially true for those CDs who just begin on this journey and not sure what they want. The most common reasons for self-initiated purging could be due to embarrassment, guilt and shame generated due to religion or faith pressure, questioning of self-sexual orientation or inclination, social circle influence, peer pressure. The list can go on and on. 

For CDs who venture onto this path by accidental encounter with women’s lingerie such as pantyhose or brasseries, that feeling of just touching lingerie gave us sexual arousal when we first started. However, as time goes on, that curiosity developed into wearing and acting feminine at this stage. Then you begin questioning if you got something wrong in your head or with your sexuality. Shame and guilt kick in as your male brain, your guy persona or social circles of friends tells you that a guy should not be interested or be wearing female clothing. To rid that feeling of embarrassment, self-guilt and shame, you destroyed the source of this “evil” by purging. This is very common.

For some, their view of crossdressing tend to be associated with gay or homosexual or ah guan (transvestite) and this goes against their core of their religion and faith. For them, after CDing, they felt really guilty as they view themselves drifting away from the core belief and practice of their faith. After some internal struggle, mentality and spiritually, they give in to their shame and guilt, then purging happens.

For some others, when they reached a certain milestone in their lives where they began to self-doubt and see themselves inferior when compared to their peers who are married and having kids or quite successful in their lives. The CDs themselves, they may be still single, or maybe dating or married but their relationships with the other half are not having much progress in their lives. They may reflect and feel that their CD addiction is holding them back in life and decided to purge and hoping to start afresh and putting the crossdressing episode behind them. 

For others, as they grew busy with their lives’ hustle and bustle, they feel that they got no time to CDs and thought that they possibly outgrow the need for it and then they start purging. However, when they slow down their pace or when they got more time on hand, that feeling to binge buy CD stuff hits them real hard, only to buy them and use for a while then again busyness and guilt sets in, and the whole purging and binging cycles just start all over again. 

Purging is an impulse, driven by fear, shame, guilt and self-doubt and in order to address this psychological compulsion, we tend to act by removing the things that are causing us this discomfort in the first place. By purging, that can help to get rid of that negative feeling that is plaguing the mind and emotion. 

We know that after purging, there is a sudden sense of relief as the source of shame and guilt are all out to the window and into the bin. However, a lot of CDs know that this relief is short lived as the temptation to crossdress always come back strong and hard. It is much like an addiction as crossdressing can offer psychological release, it offers escapism from the real world, it satisfied that desire for aesthetical beauty in human body, it fulfilled that feminine side that was inborn in us since the beginning of time (you can refer to my earliest post about how we were born to be female to begin with) and of course, it also help to achieve sexual gratification for some. Do not get me wrong, there are cases where some CDs quitted crossdressing and never to return, much like a passing phase in life or giving up a hobby. 

I feel that CD should not be viewed as something “evil” or “un-pure” or “bad”. If we view crossdressing like a hobby, much like mahjong, we saw how some of our friends whose eyes will lit up when they hear the word “mahjong”, I feel that crossdressing should be the same. The key is to treat crossdressing like a past time, like going for a cosplay event, and not obsess with it or objectify it with sexual connotation (unless you are in your private space and just want a private time). Maybe then, we will not have so much negative stigma to associate crossdressing with and that can remove the sense of guilt and shame.

Besides talking about purging, this blog post is also about sharing how to deal with the purging urge when it hits you.

Solution 1: Have a storage space.

This is one of the most basic solutions. In fact, a lot of CDs have their own storage lockers and spaces or base. How is this a solution for purging? Rather than keeping the CDs stuff close to you to invoke more guilt feeling and rushing into purging. Simply lock up all your CD stashes in a storage space (or locker) and leave it there. It will cost money over time but this “sinking” cost is a worthwhile investment. Imagine the amount of money you spent purchasing all the things, the dresses, the lingerie, the make-up and accessories, only to have you throw them into the bin when that guilt trip feeling comes knocking. It will be better to just chuck them aside in the storage space, out of sight, out of mind. When you decided to crossdress again, your items are still intact in the locker. If you decided to quit crossdressing for good. Just leave the things there a little longer before committing what you want to do next. This solution is preferable for closet CDs as it does not involve meeting others unless you plan to give your CD stuff away. Even so, there is a way to walk around this, see some of the later solutions. 

Solution 2: Putting it at your CD friends’ place or sharing a locker

Much like the previous solution but this one is a bit more cost effective. By sharing locker or storage space, you may half your cost yet still have your CD wares kept in a secure place and under the care of a CD friend. I know some CDs have quite a big place to crossdress, they will have some spare space for you to store your CD stash. Just remember to offer some reimbursements as you are technically imposing on them with your stuff. In the long run, if you decided to walk out of CD, you can just donate it to your friend. With social media such as Facebook, it is quite easy to put out request and to have someone who can help. The only thing is that, you need to have friends who are CD and also know who you are, not only as a CD, so this solution may be less popular for those who want to remain closet and keep their identity a secret. 

Solution 3: Sell or Give it away to other CDs

When you really decided to clear off your CD stuff and stepping away, never to return. I guess the best thing to do is to do is to either sell or give it to other crossdressers. With social media platform such as Facebook, or even Caurosell, you can simply post photos of what you want to sell or give away and then private message to those interested parties to pick up from your locker. To avoid meeting anyone in your guy mode, you can always tell them the location of your locker and use a number lock for your locker (unless your storage space provider used special security feature, then it will be unworkable). In this way, you are helping other CDs and that can make you feel good also.   

Solution 4: Donate to a CD studio

Like the abovementioned solution, when you are giving up crossdressing for good in pursue other things in your life, you can also donate your CD clothing and accessories to a CD studio. That was what I did recently when I visited Miss Y Studio. I am not purging, thank goodness but I got some undersized gowns and clothing that I think I could not give to my local CD friends like W or C, plus gowns are not really a common apparel to wear as a normal clothing… Anyway, for this solution, it will be better if you had visited the CD studio before and establish some form of contact with the studio owner. Just tell them that you wish to purge and see if they are willing to adopt your CD stuff. I believe they should be more than willing as it can help to expand the range of clothing they have in terms of design and sizes. In this way, you help to expand the CD studio business. Of course, you can try to sell them to the studio but I think by donating, the take up rate will be much higher. At the end of the day, these CD stuff have no value to you anymore since you are giving up. 

With that, it comes to the end of another long post. Guess this might be the last post for 2022. I hope I can do a reflection and post it before 2022. In the meantime, enjoy and CD on in this festive seasons. Cheers. 

CD can be quite a lonely hobby...

Christmas time, time to be merry and jolly, time for gathering with friends and loved ones... Somehow, not sure why, a part of me felt lonely. Especially a week ago, I was having the high of my time as Francesca when I visited Miss Y Studio and here I am a week later, feeling the blues... I think it was either Gin or Isabelle who mentioned that CrossDressing can be quite a lonely hobby and I never felt it so true especially today.

Do not get me wrong here, I am not asking company or male admirers. No please, I mentioned before, I DO NOT NEED MALE ADMIRERS! So stay off my profile. Thank you. I get my fair share of likes on Facebook and Instagram with my latest bridal snapshots taken and I am thankful for that. I do have a good bunch of CD friends, most of which I have not met except maybe three of them. That is because I am more of a closet and not really ready to take on the whole world yet by dressing out.

That feeling of loneliness is from the fact that I cannot share my latest joy of my CD friendly studio expedition with my friends and my loved ones. I do not think that my bunch of male friends will accept it. They will definitely take me as having mental or sexuality issue... I do not think my female group of friends will embrace this idea too, though I somehow have the inclination that some may be more open... But why risk it... And of course my wife, the one I have been keeping mum about Francesca so far... Consider that Isabelle can still shared her first wedding bridal shoot with her wife, someone who can share the joy with, I totally doubt I can show my wife the recent photos of Francesca in wedding gown as it will not go down easy with her... 

So, that is the reason for feeling that loneliness, especially today when friends gathered to talk about their recent overseas trip or experiences. I got to suppress that joy that Francesca had about the Malacca trip and not talk about it or even to show some of my photos taken that day. I have to live a lie that I told about my Malacca trip... That does not go down easy on me. That is why I remembered somehow that I read somewhere, CD can be quite a lonely hobby...

I mean, it may not always be the case, especially for those CDs who have friends who know that they crossdress, especially like cosplayers. There are also gatherings organised by some of the CD and TS groups like Sgbutterfly or Sggurls group, but I feel those are more for those CDs who are more veterans and experienced or more daring to dress out. For those not ready to leave the closet like me, I guess there is no other choice but to accept the fact that closet CrossDressing is a lonely past time and, we cannot and will not share with the ones we know in our male persona.

Just thought of letting it out here, hopefully I did not dampen the festive mood. Merry Christmas to all. Take care and Cheers. 

Between the Rock and a Hard Place (Would you rather…)

I am on a writing streak these few days, maybe because it is the month of December. Anyway, back to the topic title, if you are caught between a rock and a hard place, you are in a difficult situation where you have to choose between two equally unpleasant courses of action. Why this topic title for this blog post? Well, it has to do with one of the questions that Joyce (Miss Y Studio owner) asked me when I was at the studio. 

She asked me, if I were to caught by my wife, would I rather 

1. Admit that I crossdress? OR

2. Admit that I am having an affair outside?

Note: this question is not related to the challenge for "A Day Girl’s Life First Experience" but more of a starter topic that is like an ice breaker question...

Though the statement sounds a bit vague. Remember a blog post I did earlier on The Women’s Charter (CrossDresser’s Dilemma of Coming Out), the idea is to remain in the closet for as long as possible and keep it a secret. If you are always cautious and cover your tracks well, your CD habit/hobby may be well kept for as long as it gets. However, if you were caught, well… if your wife found out those CD studio shots of you in crossdressing costumes, those are pure evidences right in front of her. I guess there is no way to wriggle out of it. Or if your wife caught you while you are in the midst of dressing up. I guess it is quite evident that you are a crossdresser… No way to argue over it. I think in both these cases, the best is just to come clean…

Under what circumstances will this question asked by Joyce ever occur? For one, I always have female lingerie shipped to my house and at times, the mailbox. What if one day my wife accidently open up my parcel and saw brasseries and panties that are way too big for her… Or an accidental slip where I forgot to bring some of my CD wears back to my lair after washing and my wife found them under my bed. That can trigger the question as stated. I guess you get the picture… You are not caught in the act of CrossDressing, there is no solid evidence to indicate that you are a crossdresser, just maybe some oversized lingerie that do not belong to your wife found by her in the bedroom and your wife asked you to come clean. Of course I mean we can argue that we are having some fetish for lingerie and that can possibly get away with it but what if... those two questions were asked and you have to choose one... Would you choose to confess that you are a crossdresser? Or deny and say that it was just a moment of folly and that belongs to some other girls… 

Quite interestingly, Joyce shared that most of those who visited her studio claimed that they will choose to admit to having an affair than to admit that they crossdress. For me, I was caught in a fixed too by this question. Both are equally unpopular choices that have dire consequences. Of course some may choose to come clean and hopefully the wife will accept, like Isabelle’s case. However, I also heard of a few cases where coming clean lead to divorce… 

I think my answer to Joyce was similar to others, I will admit to having an affair instead. It seems like a suicidal move but in one sense, it can help to protect that dignity of my male persona. I mean, if the worst happened, words would not get around that I crossdress as a female. At least I will still appear as a normal man, but who is unfaithful rather than having something that is not well accepted in the Asian culture. Not sure if my rationale sounds logical enough but choosing to admit to an extra-marital affair can still help to safekeep the views that I am still a straight man in front of others. Do not get me wrong, I am not gay or what but the problem is, Asians tend to associate CrossDressing to gays or guys who are not straight and also the shame for a male to dress up as a female under normal circumstances. Hopefully with time moves on, people will be more accepting of CrossDresser as a norm. This is purely view and speculation and I really hope that this day will never ever come true. Maybe if it were to happen, maybe my decision will change? I don’t know… Let’s just keep it a secret for now and as long as it can get…

So my dear readers, what will you choose?

My CD Journey (Part 16) - My first visit to a CD Friendly Studio

If you have been following my previous blog posts, I have been doing some major upgrade on myself. I started off with the removal of my skin tags, trying putting on contacts and going for hair removal. I was doing all these in preparation for something rather major. I am visiting a CD friendly studio overseas (just across the causeway). So this blog post will be about my visit to the CD friendly studio, the preparation beforehand, the experience at the studio and the post visit reflection… so this is going to be a long blog post and I do apologise in advance…

The thought of visiting this studio, Miss Y Studio, started by a few photos posted by a FB friend called Micky. From the photos, I can see that Micky got to try on various ladies outfit and most of all, wedding gowns. What captivate me was that the studio offers quite a few packages that are quite interesting. They have something like “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience”, “Pseudo-Girl Shopping Experience” and “Pseudo-Girl Personal Bridal Photo Package” and so on.

After a few FB messenger messages and enquiries with Joyce (Miss Y Studio owner), I decided to try out their “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience”. Well, why I choose this package is because it offers the experience of menstrual period and wearing of sanitary pad (sounds really feminine), learning of body manners of females and trying on of women’s clothing and wedding gowns on so on. I have to admit, I think my mannerism are nowhere close to been female and somehow I feel that this package can offer what I was looking for… To feel like a girl. And so, this started my chain of events for the past few weeks where I started all the revamping of myself for this upcoming visit.

The trip to Malacca was quite an adventure for me as I was heading up there alone. Well, the truth is, I am not a big fan of traveling up to Malaysia because of the jam and of course, security issue. The number of times I went into Malaysia can be counted with 2 hands and the last time I went up was almost like 12 years ago, and with some friends… So heading up there alone and visiting Malacca, a place I never visited before, does sound crazy and scary for me… However, to visit a CD friendly studio was something that I never tried before but it is something that I really wanted to do… So I just pressed on with my decision… “Applying leave” from my wife side was not easy, I have to lie about heading up to Malacca with some friends and taking it as guys’ trip for food and fun… (PS: I do feel bad but I take it as a white lie…). Instead of driving up, I decided to book a coach ticket instead to save all the unnecessary trouble and danger of unfamiliar roads in Malaysia and it is cheaper too. So here begin my 3 Days 2 Nights CD Adventure Journey… 

Day 1

The coach service that I booked has drop off at three hotels in Melaka and that makes it so much easier. I chose the drop off at The Straits Hotel and Suites and stayed there. The Straits Hotel and Suites is now under the care of Noble Resort Hotel Melaka, so for those who are considering of visiting, can use this hotel also. The whole journey to Malacca started at 7:15am and by the time I reached my hotel… It was about 3:45pm. It took me like 8½ hours on the coach, all thanks to the school holiday jams… For the first day, nothing much to do except to rest and also explore around Jonker Walk area and Melaka river. Before the night ended, Joyce messaged me about what we will be doing tomorrow. As I took “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience” package, she asked what I most look forward to in the package. I told her that this was more like a try out experience for me and I wanted to be more girl-like in my mannerism and to really experience how it is to be a girl.

Day 2

Now for the actual day, I woke up early and packed my stuff. I got a big bag of CD clothing that I wished to pass to Joyce as I doubt any of the local SG CDs will want it (a convertible wedding gown, a purple gown, two cheongsam and a black dress, I will talk about this in my next blog post on Purging) and also two pairs of satin gloves. More about the gloves later. The fact is, Joyce told me no need to bring anything and that is the truth because the studio have a range of clothing. However, if you got some woman clothes that you like to wear, you can bring along. 

Anyway, from my hotel to the studio is not as easy as getting to Jonker Street where you can walk. You need a taxi to get there as it is around 10 to 12km away (based on Google map) and 18 to 20 mins by car. Thankful, with technology such as Grab, travelling to the studio is a breeze. I just need to input the address of the studio and wait for my GrabRide. I booked for my first Grab but the driver cancelled on me. Luckily, I was able to get another rider quite quickly. As I waited for the driver, my heart was racing as I eagerly anticipated about visiting the studio. The ride was smooth and it cost me like RM27. The Grab driver was really friendly and he asked why am I heading to the outskirts of the city. I did not know that the studio was located at the outskirts but I just told the driver I was visiting a friend. Haha…

Anyway, I reached my destination early so I decided to go over to a MacDonald nearby for breakfast. After getting a bite, I headed over to the studio at 10am, the time where my appointment was scheduled. Once I reached the studio, I was greeted warmly by Joyce, who congratulated me for taking on this journey to visit her studio. Before starting anything, Joyce and I had a good chat, she shared with me why she started this studio and I also shared about my CD journey. Joyce was really friendly and not sure why, I just open myself to her and shared with her openly about my CD journey. 

Before starting with make-up, Joyce asked me to select the clothing I wanted to wear. Note, this is more of those normal female clothing like a one piece dress or two pieces top and skirt kind of clothing. For me, I chose a red jacket and white top with a red skirt OL combination. Before wearing the clothing, I was asked to paste nipple tapes over my nipples and change into a panty and pantyhose. For the panty, Joyce showed me how to put a 45cm long sanitary pad into the panty before I proceed on to wear it. This has to be one of the most feminine thing I have done so far… So I did as per instructed and then she begin putting on Nubra(s) and push-up bra to create the cleavage for me… After which, I begin putting on the top, skirt and jacket. Joyce also handed me a size 45 heels and I just put it on and wear it. Joyce told me not to worry about the cleanliness of the clothing as she will wash them after use, plus with the sanitary pad on the panty, I feel quite assured of the cleanliness. However, if you feel uncomfortable about these, you can always bring your own if you want.

That is simply the appetizer as the real work begins now. Before doing make-up, Joyce asked if I wanted to try on contacts and I thought with my previously new gained skill, I can do it… However, it ended as a failure as I tried for a good 25 minutes and failed to get the contacts in even though the contacts she provided was smaller than the one I managed to put in the other time. Joyce stopped me from trying any further as my eyes are getting a bit red. Guess I got to manage without contacts this time round… The make-up process was really the highlight as under Joyce’s skillful and mastery use of make-up, she was able to do a fabulous make-up for me. In contrast of what I have been doing where I used lots of overpowering make-up colours to cover my face. The make-up done by her was not overpowering, it was light and subtle yet emphasize on the plus points which is my eyes… Everything was so beautifully done. Nothing too flamboyant but all in the right proportion. Once that is done and with a wig properly worn over my head, Francesca just came alive so beautifully. 

After the make-up, this is where the fun began. I was taught how to eat like a girl, how to seat like a girl and behave like a girl and most of all, how to walk in heels like a girl. Throughout all these activities, there are mini challenges. Only by passing these challenges then can I be allowed to try on more clothing and of course, the wedding gowns. I won’t go into the details of the challenges as it will spoil the fun for those who want to try out this package. The challenges are fun and definitely helped me to be more mindful on how to more girl-like… Remember that sanitary pad that I was wearing? Well, it is not simply wear for the sake of wearing. Joyce will put water onto it periodically to simulate menstrual period coming of a woman. That really let me understand how a girl feels like when she is having her period, minus the pain of course. It has a very different feel and it really make me feel quite feminine and vulnerable at the same time…

After passing the mini challenges (thanks to Joyce for not setting the bar too high), I was allowed to try on quite a few other clothing. For me, I was quite open and do not really have much preference, so I let Joyce decide for me. So, she let me try on the “Joshi Koukousei” (Japanese female high school students) uniform and also a different colour wig. She tied a double pony tails for me, I looked kind of funny, yet cute at the same time… So Joyce helped to take a few photos using the mobile phone and a ring light. After that, I tried on a red wig with a lilac mermaid-like gown. That gown is nice but somehow I do not think that I did justice to it as my broad shoulder and slouch sitting posture did not help to bring out the aesthetic beauty of this mermaid gown.

For the next segment, it was the putting on of the wedding gowns. Before wearing it, Joyce helped me to put on a corset to get that hourglass figure. The next outfit was a red wedding gown that I chose, with my red wig. I think it goes really well. Remember the gloves I mentioned earlier… Well, the studio has some satin gloves but they are white and the shorter version. The longest they have is 52cm opera gloves. Luckily a FB CD friend named Melissa advised me to bring my own. I took her advice and bought two pairs of 70cm satin gloves, both black and white along for this trip. That was one of my best decisions… The red gown together with the black satin gloves and the red wig. Francesca look really beautiful. 

Now, the finale, the white gown that all girls are looking forward to. For this set, I changed into the white wedding gown first and then Joyce changed the wig for me. The wig is a bit brownish in colour, full of volume and length with slight curl towards the end. After putting on the wig and looking at the mirror, I could not believe my eyes. That was the perfect look I was looking for. We perfected it with a tiara and after putting on my white 70cm long satin gloves, Francesca transformed into a beautiful bride. 

Throughout the process, Joyce was helping me to take photos using my mobile phone and I also did some selfies too because my package never include studio photography but more of the girl’s experience. So for those CDs who are considering this package, photography is not part of the deal. Joyce was nice enough to set up a ring light for me and guide me with the posing while she helped me to take some shots using my mobile phone. This is value added service with no extra charges. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end. With the last white wedding gown. It has come to the end of my 6 hours package. So I changed back to my guy’s clothing and Joyce helped me to remove my make-up. I had such a wonderful experience at the studio and time flies without me realising it… I was so happy with the whole package that I gave Joyce the two satin gloves as a gift to her studio, hoping that it can help her to expand her collection. And with that, I bid farewell to her and took a Grab back to my hotel. Strangely, it only cost me like only RM14. And with that, this draw an end to my first CD friendly studio visit in the land aboard.

Day 3

This morning, as I wake up, I feel that my girl’s heart was awaken, I feel the feminine side of me arising, that feeling of gratefulness, love, tenderness and happiness inside my heart. I feel free for the first time… For once, Francesca was able to fully release herself and find herself in this process. 

However, as this day passes, I have to put all these behind me, bid farewell to Malacca and head back to Singapore. As I journeyed back to Singapore on the coach, a feeling of emptiness engulfed me. I finally understood how Isabelle felt when she mentioned how empty she felt after going for her first bridal studio shoot. I guess that emptiness came from the fact that, I never knew when will be the next time I can visit Miss Y Studio (and Joyce) again and most of all, I do not know if I can get the same look for Francesca again, that feeling of lost, heart-broken and emptiness… 

As the journey back was long, I have some time to reflect about this trip. I tried to look on the brighter side, I experienced something I have never done before. I went on a solo trip to a place I never been to, I tried on a CD friendly studio and make a new friend. Most of all, I helped Francesca to discover herself. Not sure what gotten into me but I decided to have a Chinese name for Francesca, her Chinese name is 许慧心. It means intelligent heart, or wisdom. That is how I envision Francesca to be, diligent and intelligent, smart yet beautiful with a pure and loving heart. 

Anyway, my coach back begins at 4:15pm and I only managed to reached Singapore drop off point around 12:30am the next day. It took me like another 8½ hours again. I took Grab back and that concluded my solo 3 Days 2 Nights CD Adventure Journey to Miss Y Studio. 

Conclusion

If you are still reading this, I thank you for your patience as I tried to record my whole experience as vividly as I can recall from my memory. Here is my overall conclusion about my visit, Miss Y Studio is located at the outskirts of Malacca, you can get a Grab and it should take around 18 to 20 minutes to reach if you stationed in the city heart of Malacca. There is a MacDonald nearby, so no need to worry about going hungry. In fact, throughout the whole process, I was not hungry at all. Haha… The studio is of reasonable size, probably 50 to 60 metre square area. Not really that big but the place is rather cozy and non-cluttered. The environment is totally safe to CD as the whole place belongs to Joyce and there is also a bathroom in the unit. The range of clothing offered are quite interesting and a lot of varieties catering for slightly bigger size like me. In fact, I did promise Joyce that I will pass her more of my costumes or clothing that I want to discard to her the next time I go over. Hopefully more CDs can consider visiting Miss Y Studio so that Joyce can have more businesses and she can expand her studio and collection in the future. 

In terms of service, Joyce is a very warm, caring and friendly person, she really knows how to hold a conversation well and I feel so comfortable with her. Her make-up skill and photography skills were something she picked up over the course of her life. She is truly an amazing lady. She is also playful and daring to try different styles and that make the whole process so fun and engaging. There was never a quiet or dull moment throughout my time at her studio, there was always fun and laughter. During the make-up application and removal process, Joyce will ask if I am feeling okay because my eyes tend to be sensitive, so she put in extra care to check if I am fine. Felt really good to have an "elder sister" to show concern throughout the whole process. In terms of age, I am older than Joyce, so technically she is like a "younger sister". However, once I complete my transformation, I was like a young lady in front of her, and she got that "elder sister" vibes. To Joyce, thank you so much for making my first visit to your studio a memorable one and appreciate you for taking care of me during my time in your studio and most of all, helping me to find Francesca and discovering herself as 许慧心.

As for the package, it is “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience”. This whole package is about the experience and not the photography. That experience of wearing a sanitary pad and worrying that it will start leaking. How to behave like a lady when sitting near a table and eat like a lady, how to put my legs when sitting down, how to undo the hooks for those heels with strips without exposing yourself and keeping yourself balance at the same time, how to walk briskly on high heels without looking like a man walking (tell sign that it is a crossdresser). All these behaviour and mannerism. It is not easy if you do not have someone to look out all these for you and guide you along. I did suggest to Joyce to have organised some paid workshops for CDs like Make-up Classes or lady etiquette grooming class in the future. Hopefully she can work out something. Back to the package, this package is around 6 hours in total and the whole make-up process can take around 1.5 hours to 2 hours depending. My advice is, for those who considering this package, keep an open mind and heart to try out what Joyce has to offer. If you have something that you wanted to try in mind, better check with her first so that she can prepare. The key to this is communication, openness and most of all, enjoy the process. 

What are some things that I regret about this whole experience… Well, for a start, I am disappointed with myself for not been able to wear the contacts. I could have perfected the looks for Francesca with bigger iris and my eyes will look more attractive. However, my normal eyelid reflexes was such a let-down that render it hard to put in the contacts… The next regret was… I should have apply to go back a day later instead as I heard from Joyce that there is another open slot on the day I was scheduled to go back to Singapore… I should have extended my stay by another day and engage her for another package… The last regret was, I forgot to ask Joyce to help me to take an overall body shot of that first red OL suit that I was wearing initially. I think that whole set suit me really well and I love it. I never really knew that I can look good in red… Guess I was too excited with the experience that I forgot to take a good full body shot… Oh well, I really look forward to the next time where I can visit Miss Y Studio again. I totally love the experience there. 

Some may ask, is the 17 hours to and fro Malacca worth it? For only a 6 hours visit. Like I mentioned, if I had planned beforehand, I would have stayed for another day and take up another package. However, even though it was just 6 hours, that whole first time experiencing something that I never expected. Totally priceless. In fact, I really don't mind taking up the “A Day Girl’s Life First Experience” again or should I try her other packages. Should really consider driving up to Malacca next time instead, maybe during off peak season. Anyway, really looking forward to my next visit. By the way, for those who are thinking of squeezing two packages within a day, I feel that it will be very tight and rush, and you will not enjoy the process as you will be all tired. Joyce will be quite tired too. So if you can, try to only do one of those 6 hours package in a day and do another package another day.

And with that, this has come to the end of my really long blog post… Thank you so much for reading... 

Disclaimer: I am NOT paid to write this blog but more of sharing my personal experience after engaging Joyce from Miss Y Studio. Each of our experience will be different, depending on the mentality and expectation, so your mileage may vary. I hope that I did not oversell this package but I personally really enjoy my session and time at the studio. As mentioned before, communicate with Joyce beforehand, openness in the mind and heart, get yourself ready mentally to try out anything, then just go with the flow and enjoy the whole experience and process. Good luck and enjoy. Cheers.

(PS: For those who have not visited Malacca before, the hotels will impose a Melaka Heritage Tax of RM2 per room per night, just for your info)

Removal of Body Hair

December is the best period for me to work on my blog as most of my colleagues and bosses are on annual leave. So that gave me more personal time to work on my blog that I have been neglecting for months… Not sure if I can keep the tempo of blogging like Isabelle or Gin. Anyway, there are not a lot of visitors maybe except a few “unlucky” visitors who stumbled onto my blog due to referral from Isabelle’s blog. Haha…

Anyway, this topic is about body hair removal. Remembered that I blogged about removing my skin tags from my armpits recently. With my “shame” gone, I decided to venture further, to clean out of body hair. Lucky for me, I am not a hairy beast like Austin Powers. Haha. I am a normal guy so the common area for hair are the armpits, the legs and of course, the “man’s area”. I will not go into facial hair here because I shared in my previous post that I usually use the plucking method to get rid of them. Only like once a while, I will shave just to save time. I doubt that I will do anything to my facial hair as I feel that they are manageable as my moustache and beard do not grow that fast. However, they sure do are irritating especially when I am making up and I start seeing all the short stubs around…

As for my body hair, I will usually shave my leg hair and man’s area using my normal shaver and within a few weeks, they grow back again. However, it is still very important to shave off the leg hair. I cannot emphasize more on this point. Even though I will usually wear skin colour tights of higher denier to mask off my blemishes and wounds on my leg, I still religiously shave off my leg hair whenever I crossdress. There are some CDs who just don on pantyhose of lower denier yet never bother to shave their legs at all and that looked really disturbing instead of sexy… A lot of CDs missed the points about shaving the leg hair when crossdressing and chose to skip this step. 

Firstly, shaving the leg hair is needed especially wearing pantyhose of a lower denier as the lower the denier you go for, you will have that sheer and barely there look, your leg hairs will stick out more than just a sore thumb but more like a sore eye for all. Secondly, by removing the leg hair, one of your largest body surface area (both legs) will become bare and sensitive especially after the first few days of shaving. When you wear the stockings or pantyhose, your skin is coming in full contact with the silky nylon and that feeling is indescribable… It will make you feel sexy, sensual and loved… 

Enough of legs already, now to armpit area. After my recent skin tags removal, the aesthetic doctor advised me to go for laser treatment like IPL hair removal treatment. I was still considering when I saw a cheaper and less painful option by Smoovee Skin. It is a Korean hair removal and the charges are more affordable. However, I am not sure about the effectiveness though. So I decided to check it out, I went there to get my legs hair removed and also my armpits hair since they are having some promotion now. The process lasted almost an hour and was really painless. First they will remove the hair via a small shaver and the therapist will apply gel and then proceed with pulsed light technology. After the process, both my armpits are free of hair (for now) and my hairless legs feel really good…

I am still considering if I should go for their next level, the boyzillan hair removal for that area… Hehe… Anyway, do check them out if you are having trouble with your body hair. Take it as others doing a service for you to prep you for your CD session. Haha…

Regrets in Life

This post may not be totally CrossDressing related (maybe just for a short portion), but more of my inner voice wanting to be heard… I was inspired by Isabelle post on “What would you do different you can turning back time” and that really resonated in me greatly. I made a lot of bad and wrong choices in life and how I wish I can turn back time and undo a lot of things. Not sure if any of you are fans of Marvel “What-If” series but I really wonder if there is an alternate universe out there where Francesca is a real woman…

Here are my list of things that I wished that had happened differently, the outcome will be really different…

1. Relationship and Love

I am married but at times, I really questioned my decision if I had made the right choice… On one hand, if my married life is truly happy, maybe Francesca will never have existed. Francesca came into existence because my married life lack passion, emotional and sexual satisfaction… Francesca is someone I wish to be with. She know how to dress up, doll up and be feminine, that is what is lacking in my other half… My wife is a total workaholic and lack the understanding of what men want… I will leave it at that and not air my dirty laundry here or say any further. Before anyone start commenting that we should try communicating with one another, I just use one simple example to illustrate, I told her that I wish that she will dress up in hosiery once a while and she commented that it is hot… Guess you got the gist

On the other hand, I am glad that somehow my wife is not a total control freak and she will not ask a lot if I am out too late but I also cannot go overboard. This laissez-faire attitude allow Francesca to raise up from the ashes after my constant purges. At times, my shipment of CD wares got delivered to my home and my wife just help me to receive them without asking too much. At times, I simply make up some excuses to her that I ordered things for my work use and that got me off the hook.

So, if you ask me, if I were to turn back time, will I want to change this aspect? I think I will rather stay single and have more liberty and time to allow Francesca to manifest herself. Or maybe I will focusing on other aspects of my life such as having so much freedom that I forgot about Francesca, that is highly possible also. 

Of course I also asked myself, what if I had gotten back to my first ex-girlfriend, the one who accepted my hosiery fetish… I am not sure if she will accept Francesca as a whole as who she has become today… Back then, Francesca did not fully exist but more of a manifestation of my hosiery fetish, I believe that my first ex will be really shocked to see the full transformation of Francesca. For that, I will rather say, I chose singlehood. For my readers of my blog, I am not advocating singlehood or choosing divorce. To each their own, I value having the freedom to do things on my own terms and time, so I find that will be the lifestyle that suits me better… Or maybe I just need a better half who can accept Francesca or someone who is Francesca-like and that will take away my desire to CD…  

2. Physical Build and Facial Features

For those who have been following my blog, you will realised that I have been complaining about my big build. I used to be of acceptable male body build, more like average size except my feet, which has been big since young. As I progressed in life, things took a turn and I started to grow horizontally where I really ballooned in size. Luckily I was able to stop that growth and through the use of medication, I was able to curb my eating and my size went back but still above my ideal weight of 75kg (I am around 1.75m tall). This good size lasted for a good couple of years before my weight bounced back again.

I have been using other medication that I can get off the counter and exercise to reduce my weight but to no avail. So, my weight has been yoyoing (going up and down) but in an slowly increasing manner. Now, my body is like 虎背熊腰, 萝卜腿 (Tiger Back, Bear Waist and Radish Legs), so it is really hard to pass off as a CrossDresser. That is why I chose to remain in closet instead of heading out like some of the other CDs…

Besides my physique, I am someone who never really take care of my face and other features. I got slightly tan skin, my face got craters and pox marks due to pimples and chicken pox. In comparison with other CDs, I really pale in terms of features. What is worse is that my face shape is not a typical round or ellipse but I feel my face is like a symmetrical trapezoid with the base heavier. Therefore, it is really hard for my face to pass off as a female…

One of my biggest regrets is that I never really focus on taking care of my body, my face and health. I never really pay much attention and now I am paying a high price or to some extend, unrepairable damages done to my physical aspects that render it quite hard to pass off as a woman when I crossdress. 

I know that there are other CDs who are plus size but somehow, what they lack, there is always something to make up for it. E.g. Some may be plus size but got nice feminine facial features. Others got an acceptable face and a fully passable body aspects. And there are some that have both… If only I had really taken care of my body, watch my diet, do exercise, rest more and sleep early and took care of my face and not be itchy hands to squeeze those pimples, I think Francesca may be more presentable…

3. Purging

I was planning do a long article on this topic but for here, I will just share what I would have done differently if I can rewind back time. Purging is always and will always be the “biggest” enemy of any CrossDressers. Purging can be an impulse and they are always costly. Imagine the amount of money, time and effort you pump into getting those clothing and accessories only to be them ended up in the bin because of that impulse to purge. Don’t get me wrong. If you are have outgrown the need to crossdress and want to give up and never to return. That is a good thing. However, most of the time, we have CDs who have purged only to return months or years later… 

For me, I have purged quite a few times in my CD journey, three times if I recalled correctly. Those are really painful experience and waste of money. Money aside but there are some fashion, clothing design or accessories that are no longer available once you throw them away and not forgetting the emotional attachment to some of these items, e.g. the first satin half slip... Once I throw them away, I also threw away the sentimental value... That is the sad part. I know that with all the ecommerce systems and online shopping are the in thing now but apparel design change with times and there are some designs that I really love, e.g. a bodyshaping slip that I got for my ex-girlfriend but I can no longer find that brand or design or some of those feeling… Of course, in monetary aspects, if I have not purged, I would have save so much money instead of having to restart everything again from zero.

If I could turn back time, I would have stopped my purging and just kept all my stash in a few boxes, seal them up and keep them in the depths of the storeroom whenever that urge to quit CDing hits me. Or I will just get a small storage storeroom and keep my stashes there. If I ever outgrown my CD urges, by then I would have known it. And I can just safely dispose my CD wares away. If I ever give in to Francesca’s calling, I know where to find my stuffs and this can be cost effective and Francsca will have more money to buy other apparels to grow her collection… 

Finally completed this post that I have been working on for quite some time. I understand that this post can sound kind of solemn and heavy as I dwell into topics that we regret about. Now, if it is for you, what are some of things that you will do differently if you can turn back time? Do give it a thought.